Good Riddance (The time of your life....)

This is one of my favorite songs.  I discovered it, oddly enough, during the last couple of episodes of Seinfeld, when they did a music montage of clips from the seasons of the show, bloopers and behind the scenes.  Lyrics are as follows:

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It seems odd to base your life on a GreenDay song, but this one is utterly apropos.  Life: it is what it is. Take it for what it's worth, nothing more, nothing less, learn your lesson and move on.  This is how I will approach 2009, going into 2010.  I learned lessons about trust, and who not to. I learned that forever isn't always forever, and no one means what they say and says what they mean all the time. Life is unpredictable and with just a few words, everything that you think you know can change. "I want a divorce."  "I'm pregnant."  "I have a gay lover named Manny." (only the first of those applied to my situation, mind you....) 

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life...."  I can fully agree with the first part: the divorce was unpredictable. Even though it was thrown up in each others faces on a regular basis, I never thought we would go through with it. But here we are. In the end, it IS right. I knew that 9 months ago. But I couldn't admit it. I couldn't imagine that I would be sitting here, typing these words nonchalantly referring to the dissolution of my decade long marriage to the man that was supposed to be my soul mate. But I don't think I had the time of my life, at least not ala Baby & Johnny.  I have good memories, towards the beginning but I still maintain I should have never let him come home five years ago when we separated. But I was broke. And that is the God's honest truth: broke and close to finishing my undergrad degree. Sure, I'd be well over it all by now. But I see those last five years as character building, making me into the person I have become.  Those last five years gave me guidelines and goals, things I know I want, and Don't want, for that matter.... My life is great. It's going to be even better. I'm having the time of my life now. And in the years to come. I fully believe that. Sure things are hard at times. Money is the worst! But as Gloria Gaynor so eloquently put it, I will survive!!!! And not only will I survive, I'll do it with a little grace, a lot of laughs, and the most eclectic group of amazing friends you can imagine! At the fork, I took the road less traveled: the road that wasn't easy and wasn't mapped out.  My life is unpredictable at best, and that scares the shit out of me.  But one day I will look back over another ten years gone by and I will think, "Wow! I had the time of my life!!!" And for what's it's worth, it was worth all the while........

Old Land Sign......

Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind ?

Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and old lang syne ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

Wikipedia says: "To days(or times) gone by" may be modern-day expressions, in common use as toasts, that capture the spirit of "for auld lang syne". Although the song begins with a question whether old times should be forgotten, the song is generally interpreted as a call to remember long standing friendships.

I have lots of friends. Wait. I have lots of acquaintances. I have a good many friends. I have several true friends. I have one "call her if you found a dead hooker in your room" friend.  This friend and I were just discussing the other day the Jim Carey movie where he erases a woman from his memory, and we wondered....Is there anyone who would erase us?  On the surface, there are plenty of people i would erase. However, I believe we decided the catch here is that if you erase a person, you erase all memories that person was ever in any way attached to, even memories you merely told that person. Well that changes the whole ballgame. Just like everything else in life, there's a catch. So ultimately we decided we would not erase anyone for fear of repercussions and alterations to time and place and present.  But if there were no repercussions.....

This song has two significances in my life.  The first one is the Dan Folgeberg song "Same old lang syne".  I remember this song growing up and always kind of liked it.  Aforementioned best friend took it upon herself last year or maybe the year before to "dissect" this song and analyze it in her Christmas Song/Meaning blog, much to the dismay of a couple of die-hard D. F. lovers who read her blog.  That blog is one of my favorites of all time and in spite of it, I still love this song: it is "supposed" to be a Christmas Song, and i associate it with Christmas, but in all honesty, she and I put it on our "Top Ten Xmas Songs That Shouldn't Be Xmas Songs". (Possible Blog to Follow). 

The second signifcance of this song is in the movie Sex in the City.  If you've never heard that version, you must at least once.  It's somewhat Celticky (not really a word, i suppose) and perhaps out of the context of the movie it may not appeal even to me, but at that point in the movie, I could identify with the song, the movie, and life.  Miranda has said goodbye to her son as he leaves with his father (from whom she is separated because men are innately incapable of monogamy) and she is left to stand against the door in her apartment alone, on New Years Eve, looking at the Christmas tree.  She calls Carrie who, depressed and inwardly mourning the loss of Mr. Big and the life he was supposed to give her, has gone to bed early.  Carrie offers to come over, seemingly out of obligation and Miranda declines. They hang up and vow to talk the next day.  Moments later, clad in the most ridiculous get up even for Carrie Bradshaw, Carrie is trekking through the city, making her way to Miranda to share the midnight hour (cue the song). Miranda opens the door and Carrie has made it just in time.  This symbolizes so much in my life, especially right now.

This will be my first Christmas since the divorce, and let me qualify this with the fact that this will be the best Christmas ever, especially without STBX.  Yeah, money is tight. Yeah, I've had to figure out how to even get a couple of presents for each kid and yeah, my checking account is overdrawn for a THIRD time in a month. But I have my kids (frustrating as they can be), I have my family (overbearing as they can be) and I have my friends. My friends are the best. And that's where Miranda and Carrie come in.  My best friend has been going through as tough a time as me, if not worse, the past year herself. And still she has stood by me, encouraged me, and even told me to shut the fuck up a time or two.  She is my conscience and she is my rock. I know that sounds cliche, but there is no other way to describe it.  She is the best friend. Ever.  Another friend has been with me, every possible weekend, from the moment i moved into my new house, keeping my mind occupied, drinking coffee, swimming in my parents' pool and becoming a  huge part of my life. She is so annoying sometimes, but she has been a huge part of my recovery and i could never thank her enough.  Yet another friend, another rock, has helped me financially on more than one occasion, and she is as broke as me.  I'm pretty sure I owe her HUNDREDS if not more.  But she has listened to me whine, fuss and cry. She bought me a margarita the night I found out my STBX actually wanted a divorce.  It seemed so painful that night, but she got me liquored up and drove me around listening to straight up gangsta rap.  Don't knock it. It may be the reason I didn't die of heartbreak.

All of that being said, 2010 is going to be my year. It is going to be a year of accomplishment in knowing that at the end of this blog, on June 3, 2010, I made it with minimal scars and minimal heartache. It's going to be the year of slowing down, smelling daisies (cause i don't like roses) and soul searching. I'm going to live my life and love my friends and family and most importantly, myself. Because if I don't love me, how can I expect anyone else to?

Resolutions.....

In light of the impending new year, I would like to list my top five resolutions for 2010. 

1.  The obligatory, lose weight resolution.  Well, sure. I wanna lose weight. I'd love to be about two sizes smaller, which would still be plus size, but plus on the lower end, not higher end.  Sure, I've made peace with myself and my weight, and I'm relatively happy with myself. But I'd be happier (and sluttier, probably) if I lost about forty pounds. That requires exercise, though, and I am a firm advocate AGAINST exerting energy. So we'll see. 

2.  Saving more.  I want to believe that henceforth, I will put 10% of my paycheck and 50% of my child support into my savings account each time i receive them. It would be more likely to believe 10% and 25% respectively, but either way, probably only like, once every two or three months. Regardless, it is my resolution to TRY. 

3.  Less Computer time.  I have become one of those people who needs constant entertaining and stimulation and I get this via computer.  If I have facebook up, I have to check it every 120 seconds.  If my email is up, I refresh like every four minutes.  What in the WORLD could have happened in that amount of time? Just now, i reached over and checked to see if I had a text message.  For some reason, I believe the world is so centered around me, that in some way and by some means, someone has to interact with me at every moment of my life. I gotta stop that. It's utterly annoying! 

4.  More family time.  See above. Nuff Said. 

5.  Here's the biggie:  Don't sweat the small stuff ... the big stuff...any of the stuff. I started this blog because of my divorce and the subsequent healing process. In the midst of all that healing and what not, there are a million other factors that come into play in my life: job, family, teenagers, dog, men, etc... So what I'm trying to do (thanks, zoloft) is not sweat much of anything.  So many things are beyond my control and it does me no good to just "lose it" over every little thing.  That being said, if I don't lose it over every little thing, then i don't feel nearly as bad when I DO lose it over something justifiably worth losing it over! 

So we shall see.  Lots of changes happening, lots of things to look forward to.  2010 will be the year of not much traveling but that's ok. 2009 was the year of never staying home, so that should all even out. I have much to be thankful for and I'm relatively content (no kudos, please; it's only because no one is rocking my boat right now).  Here's to 2010 and possibly making good on at least 33% of my resolutions.

This Christmas....will be.....

This Christmas will be, if nothing less, a Christmas of lessons learned.  It will be about appreciating the things that really matter and hopefully focusing on family and not loot. This isn't because I have any great morals or anything, it's because I'm broke. This is my first Christmas in ten years on my own with these two fourteen year old boys.  And I have tried very hard the past nine months to keep this divorce from causing them to suffer.  I have eaten peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, or even had no lunch at all, to be sure they had enough food to eat at dinner or even to be sure they had bookfair money.  I'm not saying this to get a pat on the back, i'm saying this to make it evident the changes in my lifestyle over the past year.  Usually my STBX has a $2400 christmas club check that we got around November. Christmas was a fun time of buying all those presents for people that I knew they'd never buy themselves. This Christmas is crunching numbers, prioritizing and seeing who I can cross off the list altogether. This past Friday I got paid.  The only thing I really really wanted to get my children was a bigger television set for the living room, which would double as a gift because I could then give one of my kids the living room t.v. and he could use it in his room.  So I crunch the numbers, call in a favor to my mom (so i can not pay the cell or electric bill) and I take my check to town, do a little comparative shopping, and by god I come home with a decent enough t.v.  I know they will love it, and i know they will be excited. But shifting money and bills around isn't what Christmas SHOULD be about. But this year it is. I said that to say this: Even so, that worry is by far a "better worry" than the worries I had this time last year.  There's nothing like a divorce (or any major change in life, I suppose) to put things into perspective for you. My perspective is this:  You can crunch numbers, but you can't buy happiness. Happiness is free, you just have to know where to shop.

She told me this would happen......

My best friend...is all knowing and all seeing...at least, that is the way I see it.  I cannot begin to tell you the number of ledges she has talked me off of. Nor can i tell you the number of relationships, family or otherwise, that she has saved. She has stood by me through the most ridiculous situations, times when she knew i was fucking up, but chose to let me make my own mistakes.  We've come a long way, the two of us.  We are brutally honest with one another when it's called for.  And when I realized that separation from my husband was a possibility, she did everything she could to make me work it out.  And not because she wanted me to be miserable or she just didn't want to deal...and not because she is some religious freak who doesn't believe in divorce.  She knew that the day would come when i would look back and wonder if i had jumped ship too early.  And she wanted me to know beyond any fathomable doubt, that i had done anything and everything in my power to make that marriage work.  Because she knows we both have enough regrets and she didn't want one more lingering overhead. I followed her advice, I read her suggested books. I searched my heart and soul and did everything she asked. And you know what? No...Regret.  Sure I miss the man I married, but that man has been gone for YEARS. And I sometimes miss having someone to talk to or cook with or lay next to at night.  But with freedom comes those little adjustments. And I think I've adjusted just fine. Which brings me to her next premonition which has come to fruition. (I like that, even if it's not exactly plausible in that particular sentence).  She told me...there would come a day....when i forgot all about the mens...and started concentrating on myself, that I would have so many I wouldn't be able to keep them straight.  Given my current physical makeup (chunky to say the least) i doubted her on more than one occasion. But dammit if she wasn't right.  They are coming out of the woodwork and proving this doubting Thomas WRONG.  Old boyfriends, new acquaintances, friends of friends.... they're everywhere. And thanks to the advent of Facebook, they're all even more accessible.  However, also more easily confused.  When you have three chats with three men pulled up, you'd better know who you're talking to and what you've typed before you hit that send button!  My bff jokingly says the best way to get over one man is to get under another.  Sure, it's not a permanent fix, merely a bandaid.  And i do not recommend just anyone getting under just any guy.  But the one guy i'm under is taking the pressure off the divorce and that's good. Said divorce is still pending and i'm just going with the flow for now. Sure the shit is gonna hit the fan eventually, in more ways than one, but when it does, there will be another pick me up, just like she says there will be.  Whether it is a man, a friend, a dog or cat, a good book, a movie or utter and complete silence, at some point, after you move out, and you're trying to move on, you will find serenity where you least expect it. I know this...because she told me so.

Quietly passing by....FINALLY!

This will sound silly to most, I am sure.  But I will tell it anyway.  Sitting here at 9:48 EST on a Monday night, trying desperately to finish (or start, actually) my final exam for my last graduate class, I was typing furiously when I looked at the date.  It was that exact moment that I realized my ten year date anniversary came and went without even so much as a thought from me.  November 15th, 1999, the STBX and I started dating.  Now, in my defense, I never kept up with it.  But the day after Valentines Day, 2000, he surprised me with roses, not for Valentines Day but for our three month dating anniversary. I know. Puke. This went on every three months for the rest of the year, (even tho we were married in June that year) until it was our one year date anniversary.  Each year he would at least acknowledge it, even if it was just in conversation.  Two months ago, I began calculating which days I thought would be hard to get through.  This one really topped the list.  But there it is, on the calendar, in the past.  No excitement, no pain, no heartbreak.  I honestly cannot even remember what I was doing that day. It was a Sunday. I believe I took the dog to PetSmart to be groomed.  I can't be positive.  But that makes me feel SO relieved.  I was not in my bed, pining over him, mourning the loss of our marriage. And not even that. I didn't even THINK, for ONE SECOND, about it.  Ten years had passed since that first date; the date we laughed about, the date we cherished. The date that supposedly lead to me spending the rest of my life with my soulmate. It was here for a full twenty-four hours and I was none the worse for wear.

How many Exes should one girl have.......

We all have exes....And so many of my exes do not matter.  But three do....the one that doesn't count (young and stupid)....the babies' daddy....and the STBX. The first might as well be non-existent and I refuse to even put effort into a paragraph on him.  My babies' daddy is on his way to my office to pick up one kid's bag (and hopefully to give me child support).  This ex does not necessarily  bother me to see him anymore.  That being said, i realized about twenty minutes ago I never put on my make up (which i always do at work, IF i do it at all).  So i jumped up, hastily applied what little makeup i wear and brushed my hair.  You never want your ex to see you and think "oh yeah, THAT'S why we're not together."  So I'm sitting here waiting for him to get here, and I look decent enough.  Regardless, there is no ache in the pit of my stomach.  My heart isn't racing (good or bad).  I don't feel like I could yak for ages.  He'll come in, try to be witty, hopefully leave a check, tell me all the great things they are going to do this week, rattle some lingo off about his job (he's a sheriff's deputy in Podunk, Ga.) and then he'll leave. He'll be tired. He's always tired. This is part of why I never missed him.  [UPDATE:  He did NOT leave a check, he was tired, and he told a VERY long story about a guy who plowed an ambulance through a church last night....]
I said all of that to say this:  It doesn't bother me to see him.  (It bothers me to FIGHT with him, which is just as possible, but not to SEE him).  I take comfort in this, even as I type it.  Because I'm thinking back to how long ago it was that it stopped bothering me.  It has been a MINUTE! So long ago, that I can't even pinpoint it.  So if, at some point not too far past the divorce, I can get over having to see the father of my children, then SURELY there will come a time when seeing STBX will no more phase me than seeing a stranger at the mall.  I want him to become a face in the crowd.  I want his car to blend in with every other car driving down the street.  I want his name to go in one ear and out the other.  I want to pass right by him, unphased, unharmed, and unequivocally no worse for wear.  Seeing the babies' daddy, for once, gives me hope that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I will see the man I shared the past ten years with, and he'll pass right on through the moment like a ghost.  And I'll hold my head high, laughing and content, never even realizing he was there at all. 

This blog.....

This blog is supposed to be about survival...acceptance....and reforming and renewing of my life after my divorce.  Well I'm still getting divorced. So i don't know why it surprises me that i'm still getting over it.  I left at the end of March. It's the middle of November.  I've done, in my own opinion, pretty damn good.  For the most part, I've let sleeping dogs lie.  He said he wanted a divorce: i tried one good time to lay it all on the table and be sure that's what he wanted. When he said it was, I left it alone.  I haven't sent emails, texts or called. I haven't staked out his house or job.  I haven't created bogus accounts to send him stuff or hacked into his email or facebook.  I have to drive by his house every day (it's only a few houses down from where I live now).  I worked really hard to NOT look when I went by for the last six months.  I find myself looking more recently.  He's never there, so I don't know why I bother.  This stupid ass computer geek that couldn't get up off the couch to save his fucking life all of a sudden is gone. All the time. Family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, who knows.  And I want to say that I don't care. . . But I guess I do.  It goes back to the whole concept of "how is he functioning without me?".  And i remind myself....IF he is functioning, it would not be up to my standards. And IF i was there, i would have to be babysitting him and constantly policing his social skills and activities.  So whatever he's doing, it doesn't concern me.  And I am trying to make my peace with that.  I have plenty of things to fill my time. And i have so much to look forward to. But today, I have just been sad. And my BFF told me, at least a hundred times in the beginning, if i'm sad, then allow myself to be sad.  Don't fight it. She said "the more you cry now, the less you will later."  Well, I'm not crying. But today was a difficult day.  I drove around for about two hours, alone, listening to music, then listening to quiet, just thinking. And the conclusion I came up with is this:  I loved him for a reason. I left him for a reason. My life is my own and I may be barely over proverty level, if that. But perhaps there is peace in poverty. Because his six figures didn't matter when he was busting down doors and yelling and screaming.  That paycheck meant nothing when he was deliberatly shunning my children in favor of his own.  All the money in the world wasn't worth my happiness and that of my children.  So yeah, make another ham sandwich and pass me the chips. I can brown bag it as long as i need to. Today was hard for no reason at all other than it just was.  But I know that I'll wake up tomorrow still living my own life.  And if I'm still sad, so be it. But chances are, I'll be over it.  The good thing, six months later, is the pain comes less frequently and lasts not nearly as long.  Hours of sobbing has turned into infrequent passing moments of melancholy. And i truly believe that one day the moments of melancholy will have faded into an fleeting memory here and there.  Maybe even a memory I can smile about. And i can just remember the man I fell in love with, not the man I am divorcing.  The latter is all too real and the first one, well he faded into obscurity somewhere along the way. It hurts today but one day, you won't even be able to see the scar. . . . .

If only they knew....

I have a "friend"....a young, naive friend....who is so delusional about life.  Her expectations of men and relationships are so unrealistic, all I can do is roll my eyes.  "He didn't call me. He texted me and told me he was going to see a movie but that movie does not even come out until Friday!"  He lied. He didn't want to talk to you or he was with someone else.  This sent her into a five minute long rant about what he is supposed to do and how he is supposed to act.  They're not even dating, by the way.  She's just "talking" to him.  Or, not, as the case may be.  But i started thinking about my expectations, then and now, and how absolutely evolved my expectations are, or so i tell myself.  I remember (foolishly) marrying my babies' daddy. I was 21.  Had just had his twin boys. And we got married at the justice o' peace. I remember feeling faint and the guy even asking me if i was alright. That should have been my clue! Deep in my heart I knew he was an alcoholic. I knew that he couldn't hold down a job. I knew the only reason he was with me was because I got knocked up.  But he was CUTE and I wanted to be his wife. Or so I thought. I expected him to be at home. I expected him to provide for our family. I expected him to be faithful.  He was not home. He jumped from job to job. And he was getting blow jobs from his exgirlfriend on his lunch breaks.  My children and I ate crutons and cheese (provided by the government, the cheese, not the croutons) and he always had a 12 pack of Natty Lite in the fridge.  I expected that we could work out whatever problems came along because we "loved" each other.  In reality, I loved the thought of being his wife, maybe any wife. I tried so hard to make him into the man I wanted him to be, thinking foolishly that I could make him change.  Truth is, if I needed him to change so much, I shouldn't have been with him in the first place. We divorced after two years and I tucked away all the lessons for the next one.  The current (Soon to be ex) one passed all the "requirements" i had walked away from my first marriage with.  In retrospect, there were new, different red flags. But he had had a job for ten years. He had children (flag). His family was not involved in his life (flag).  He was, however, all up and involved in his ex-wife's family. (FLAG).  So over the ten years, my expectations have increased in some areas, decreased in others.  And who's to say they'll even be the same three months from now (or three minutes from now, knowing me?)  But I know this: I am tired of babysitting.  Tired of babysitting men's children and tired of babysitting the men themselves.  I don't want to have to tell someone to get a haircut, or god forbid to BATHE. I should not have to be having that discussion with ANY man at my age!!! I have teenage sons. That is MORE than enough for me. I don't want to balance someone else's checkbook or pick up their dirty underwear.  I don't want to have to second guess everything and wonder what he means by this or that.  I don't want to wonder if he cares or not.  I want to know. I want someone's world to revolve around me or at least a close facsimile thereof.  I want someone who, if he DOES do something wrong, is sorry that he hurt me, not sorry he got caught.  Because that sort of conscience, about my heart and my feelings, will tell me how he will handle so many other things, on so many other levels.   So my expectations have become more realistic I think.  Marriage is hard. Every single day.  Relationships are hard. Every single day.  Anytime you put two human beings together, it's going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. Men are going to fuck up.  But so are we.  I can tolerate some fuck ups. But i think being the center of someone's world, genuinely, will blanket across the things I need from a man.  Don't lie, don't cheat, don't commit felonies & misdemeanors.  Don't get blow jobs on your lunch break from anyone but me.  In my mind, reasonable and realistic.  And I'm willing to hold out for someone who fits that piece of my puzzle.

Everyday....

Almost everyday i learn something new. And on the days i don't learn something new, i find reaffirmation in something i learned previously.  For instance, i know....deep in my heart, that things will be okay. They have to be. There is no other alternative. As bad as things may get, they will not always be that way. But sometimes, in the moment, i forget. And sometimes when i forget, the thoughts and emotions begin to spiral out of control. So i have to reaffirm, within myself, that things are going to be okay. Eventually. Everything happens for a reason, and even though i may not know that reason now, or ever for that matter, there is a reason nonetheless.
My emotions are on edge right now. Not because of the "divorce" per se. But the ripple effect from said divorce. It is Friday....I get paid A WEEK from now. And i have no money. Now. There have been PLENTY of times in my life when i said i had no money, whether it was to get sympathy from parents, husband, whatever. But i always, in reality, had money of some sort.  I have one credit card, with zero available credit. And my checking account will be negative $30 once my mother cashes the check for electricity & phone, which she has already been holding for two weeks. I can not call her and ask her to hold it any longer. This would summon a windful condescending stream of "i told you so's" that would make a United States Marine beg for mercy. I would rather pay the $35 fee at the bank and be done.  I don't know what I'll do for the next seven days: we're not without food, but there's no cash. Not even pennies. Not even ninety-nine cents to take them to Racetrack for a drink.  So what i learned today was, I'm an adult. Responsible for two children. And I need to save, at least a little, for rainy days. Today, it's pouring. But this too shall pass. I can do anything for seven days, even if I have to eat ramen noodles for lunch. As long as I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, I won't mind running from the train.......

Learning....

Two weeks ago today, a guy I come into contact with at work on occassion, called my office. He pretended to be calling for my boss, but my boss wasn't there.  The conversation turned slightly personal, discussing his visit to my office two weeks prior to that.  He said i had pretty feet. ( I go barefoot at work most days...It's the South. It's always hot.)  He said I was funny and pretty and all sorts of things a divorced woman wants and needs to hear.  He asked if he could call again. Of course, I said "Sure!"....I left work that day on Cloud 9. I called my best friend and gushed. When I hung up with her, still on C9, I literally thought to myself "I want to remember....how this moment feels....even if he never calls again, I want to remember how this feels."  He did call, every day for a week.  The past week, no calls.  He's busy, I know.  We don't want my boss to know we're talking (uncomfortable). So it's difficult. But he didn't ask for my cell.  He didn't get my email address.  In this day and age of technology, communication should NOT be an issue. So the point is... instead of moping that he hasn't called, I'm honestly going to walk away from this situation believing that there is still "something" out there.  I don't want to walk away from this divorce jaded and bitter. Do I hate my STBX? Of course. Do I wish him run over by a bus? Absolutely.  But every man is going to have his challenges: none of them are perfect! They're MEN! But I don't want this divorce to render me emotionally paranoid.  I'm not looking for anything: hell, I'm not even fully out of the marriage yet. (Emotionally, yes: legally, no.)  But no matter how "tough" women talk, everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to share their lives, their stories, their triumphs and tragedies with another human being.  The ex's usually beat us down, emotionally at least. Having a man tell you that you are beautiful is exciting. Even if he never calls. If that man thinks I'm are beautiful, another man will come along that thinks I'm beautiful too.  It may take patience. But I've got time. If there is one thing I've learned, men will come and go, but your girlfriends are the ones who pick up the pieces.  It's my goal to stay positive and stay realistic so there are not so many pieces to be picked up anymore.

Speechless....

But not wordless. Many times I find myself with nothing to say but plenty to type...or vice versa.  Trying to narrow down a subject to talk about is like trying to decide which color Coach purse to buy. "D. All of the above."   But today I wanted to share a website that my best friend shared with me.  http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/  It is a great site where this guy has started collecting postcards that random people send in with a secret written on it.  It has always interested me, somehow, which secrets he chooses to publish.  Some are funny, some are mean, some are downright heartwrenching.  I like picking out which secret could be mine and.or my best friends. Sometimes I'll send her a copy of one and say "IS THIS YOU???"  But a recurring theme in these secrets....regret....and remorse.  Like, one woman this week who pressured her husband to eat at a restuaruant he didn't like then he died later that night.  Okay. Terrible for her, i know. But the ones that touch me the most are ones of lost loves, lost family....things people should have done but didn't. And it always makes me stop and wonder, what am I sorry for? Plenty.  I'm sorry I took cash from my grandfathers store to buy dinner when i worked there as a teenager. I'm sorry i didn't spend more time with them when my children were toddlers. I'm sorry I had to learn the hard way about getting my education and now I'm in debt w/ the federal government for three times my annual salary.  I could have/should have been a better daughter, wife, friend, mother, employee, student.  But i wasn't. And honestly what is going to change now? I have no secret to mail into post secret. My deepest darkest are all already known by my best friend.  And sometimes reading all those secrets, I wonder...is anyone sorry for me? To me? About me? Is there anyone in the universe who thinks to themselves that they are sorry that they did/witnessed/had knowledge of  such-n-such that had to do with me......Honestly, It hasn't been very long since my separation. And I'm already waiting for the apology. I'm sure it will be a long time coming, if it ever comes at all. And maybe I have some apologizing to do myself.  Maybe it doesn't make a hill of beans if people apologize after the fact or not. But today, I think I might not feel like I wasted those ten years of my life, if I thought he was at least a little sorry for the way he treated me.  But in comparison to some of those words....on some of those postcards....my regret...my remorse...or either of those I might ever get from him....pales in comparison to addiction....losing a loved one....a child, a mother or father.  But What I'm going through is real enough to me. Real enough that I can cry, if I need to.  Or call my best friend and fuss if I need to.  In the grand scheme of things, it's no Post Secret.  But it's my heartbreak. And I'll deal with it in an appropriate manner, whether that's a 3 x 5 postcard.... or 8 1/2 x 11 divorce papers. . . Or both.

Typical Lapse

Well how truly typical of me to have gone weeks (is that right??) without posting? This was supposed to be my therapy and like all other therapy, i've taken it half-assed.  When i post, i do it whole-heartedly. But it's the lack of consistency that is the issue here.  I found myself in a downward spiral today....and it dawned on me that perhaps if i was blogging, like i am SUPPOSED to be then not only would i be sending M.D.H.'s to my bff, i would also not be fantasizing, romanticizing and altogether redrawing memories in my brain about what coulda/shoulda/woulda been. i don't know why women do this.  When something we KNOW we should let go of haunts us, instead of running in the other directions, we savor every last "i love you" we heard, every last touch ...or memory...or joke or pet name..... WE KNOW BETTER. We know we can under no circumstances, ever recreate the man he used to be, the fun we used to have, the jokes we used to share. Because everytime he calls you a pet name, you wonder what pet name he's calling his new girlfriend, or the girlfriend he was seeing while he was with you. Every word....out of his mouf, would have to be questionable.  Does he mean it? Because he said he meant it ten years ago. Or three years ago. Or six months ago. And now look where we are! ?!?!  No, my STBX has not come back, hasn't made contact other than business purposes, hasn't apologized, hasn't realized i was the best thing that ever happened to him. He's too busy wallowing in his pit of self-pity and woe to come to terms with any of the aforementioned.  (side note: my best friend swears to me all of these things will happen one day, whether i am around to see it or not. I fucking hope so.) 
All of this lingering in the past was triggered by what is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. Disney World. I love ... DW.  I would work there, live there, whatever. It makes me happy. Period. The magic kingdom, specifically.  And unfortunately for me, this is something that he and i shared. Multiple times. We went on our honeymoon there. We took our kids there. This trip was, for me, initially about taking my kids WITHOUT him or his kids. I wanted that experience.  Then it occurs to me, perhaps this is my chance to make my own memories of Disney that do not include him.  While I was attempting this, I kept finding myself remembering....'awww ... that's where we stayed..."  "awww. i remember the first time we rode that and I was scared and he soothed me".... "Awww...i remember when we had to put gas in the car...."  WTF???? I had to snap out of that QUICKLY! These are MY memories. Memories HE CHOSE not to be a part of anymore. HE CHOSE to become the person he is. HE CHOSE to not want to be married to me anymore. So from now on, it's me, Micky, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, Pluto...and so on...but not him. Not anymore. This is just the beginning of my life without him. I'ma make new memories. Happier memories. I'm going to love myself, tolerate myself, let myself feel what i have to feel. I'm going to travel and spend time with my friends and family. Because all these years later, look who is picking up the pieces...Again. My family. My friends. This time, my kids....But I'm a little more aware of what is going on now. A little more aware of what needs to be done. I need to grieve these memories AND create new ones, not just one or the other. And I'ma try my level best, starting next weekend at my First Annual Halloween Hoopla Bash Extravaganza....then on to Thanksgiving with my best friend in NEW YORK....and every single day in between. There'll be more to come. New, better memories. Happier times, more laughter. Maybe a tear or two here and there. My heart aches right now, but it won't always. This is just one day. And even if the ache today turns into a week, it still won't be forever. Look how far I've come in six months.  I imagine how far I'll be six months from now. That is what this blog is about. Self-realization. Hope. Talking it out. There may be someone out there who is going through the same thing. If so, chin up.  If that relationship didn't last forever, then neither will the pain.

Defense

In my defense....the gallbladder that RUINED my birthday trip to New Orleans had to come out! Now...that doesn't sound like much of a defense as to why i haven't updated the blog i said i would update every single day, but....it really was.  The first few days of recovery were hard. The second part, I was lazy and had TOO much time to think. When I have too much time to think, I can't even get the words to type out remotely coherently. So here's what's been on my mind:

1) Divorce Court--No, not the one on TV. But my actual court date. I work for a lawyer. He told me not to show up (as i was in recovery AND because the opposition had not followed the law, therefore, court was moot). HOWEVER....my ex DID show up. And i took great pleasure in this.  I know him. He has a nervous stomach. And i'll bet he got up that morning, SICK, got dressed and drove up to the courthouse DREADING every minute. He's not seen me, hasn't talked to me, since the day he said he wanted a divorce. He doesn't deal with me because this makes it easier to remain in the alternate reality he's created, where he has coincidentally rewritten history in his own mind.  I'll bet he sat in that hallway, looking up and expecting to see my face ANY MINUTE. But i wasn't there. I was at home in the bed at my moms, in my old room, eating homemade soup and watching Golden Girls (shut up). He was sweating bullets.  To even sweeten this deal, I will tell you:  my boss got to stand up and basically say "y'all are idiots. We told you what to do & you didn't do it." and the judge agreed. This made me very happy. Even sweeter: my boss said the STBX's hair was poofy & he didn't have on a tie. WELL OF COURSE NOT! I wasn't there to tell him to wear a tie and to get a haircut. Ergo, he has slipped back into social skill obscurity. Did he learn nothing from me?

2)  The trash: I got rid of it.  Have you ever had a "friend" who was an enemy but you kept them around just like the old saying goes?  Well i did. And i got rid of her. Actually, I got rid of her once, let her back in (shame on me) and my BFF got rid of her the second time.  During aforementioned recovery, this "friend" starts her stupid B.S. all over again and I had HAD it! In steps my BFF, with her supurb writing skills and gives the trash enemy a harsh tongue scolding !!! We promptly blocked the bitch and man have things been quiet ever since.  Not the first time BFF has come to my rescue, probably won't be the last. But i will think long and hard before i EVER let anyone else into my circle.

3)  Travel.  Next week I'm driving my mom, grandmother & her sister to Orlando. We're renting a van & taking my kids.  We're visiting family down there over fall break and we get free tix to Disney.  This is my motivation.  After that, it's only a matter of weeks before my trip to New York. Above-referenced BFF and I are hittin' it up and doin' it right! Last week I texted her excitedly that I had received the long awaited overnight mail complete with tickets, vouchers and armbands. The armbands will enable us to access Applebees on 7th street in NYC during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! We've got a whole package deal complete with tours and a broadway show.  We're both so excited we can hardly stand it! That, my friends, will be the trip of a lifetime!

That's really it. I'm back at work. But still staying with my mom. She refuses to release me until she's positive I can fully and competently care for myself, the kids & the dog. I'm okay with that because she's doing my laundry, cooking AND cleaning.  It's like being on vacation at home. So there's your update (previously mentioned BFF has scolded me for lack of updates).  More to come, sooner, rather than later!

Healing

I am recovering from gallbladder surgery.  They yanked it out on Wednesday morning, almost two hours later than scheduled, and I ain't been the same since! Seriously, this is supposed to be the most common surgery these days. Rip, Nip, Zip & it's out. Weeellllll.... I don't know who it was that told me, "oh you'll be yourself in a day or two." REALLY? Who was THIS person? I can't even remember, because apparently i have the mind of an eighty year old woman too. Maybe I really AM Maude? Regardless, nothing can be easy with me. I'm the one percent. You know, when they say "Only one percent of people who [insert any action] will end up with [insert reaction]"....That's me. The one percent. So the "one little incision" turned into four incisions, the worst of which starts about two inches above my already deformed belly button and goes to the middle of said deformity. This one hurts like a motherfucker everytime I move, breathe, think or exist. The percocet helps though. And speaking of which, I am breaking one of my major life's rules (hiccups hurt too, by the way: i'm speaking from concurrent "research" if you will )....Back to the rule. Do NOT take prescription  pain meds for pain!!! Double up the advil & save the good stuff for any particular rough emotional time in your life.  However, this is the exception.  Apparently, sometimes, you actually have to use the pain meds to dull the pain. Hopefully recovery will pick up tomorrow and i'll have something left over for the months to come.
In honor of the surgery, I will list the things that have helped me through the past 40 or so hours.
1.  The Golden Girls....Yes, I have made it this far with the help of the Golden Girls. (I really am 80)... While I sat in the freezing cold hospital, where i arrived early and went into surgery late, i had about three and a half hours to kill. I laid on the stretcher, in my "open in the back" gown, paper booties on my feet, squinting at the snowy reception on my private tv, watching the Golden Girls. I don't know why I love this show: i dont' know why it is soothing to me. But it is. And you know what? It's on now. If I make it through The Nanny on Nick at Night, from 11 to midnight, I turn the TV to the Golden Girls to help me goto sleep. (They're obviously not helping me sleep tonight, however.)
2.  My parents.  I am 36 years old. I live in their rental house next door. Most of the time, we stay out of each others' lives.  I rarely even make the trek across the yard unless there is some sort of edible bribe waiting.  But my parents, both of them, came to the hospital, sat there with me in that little makeshift pre-op room and subsequently were waiting in my room when they wheeled me in from recovery.   My daddy stayed until i was safely back in the room then left to take care of my kids. My mom stayed until i was released late last night. She went to the grocery store and got me gatorade, jello pudding, jello jello, soup, boullion and soda crackers. Oh, and percocet! This morning my dad made homemade tomato soup and tonight my mom made homemade potato soup. Being here, in this house, is just like old times. I've spent more time with them in the past few days than the whole month before combined. I've got to do a better job.
3.  My friends. I know i've said it a trillion times, but my friends are the best!  I've been showered with phone calls, texts, emails and facebook posts, all with get well wishes. My BFF even got me an amazon gift card, which has helped pass at least an hour and a half today! Why is it when you have no money, you can pick out a hundred things you want. But when you HAVE money, a giftcard in particular, you can not pin point any single thing that is truly worth you spending your card on? MTV acoustic cd? I've wanted that for a while. But if I get it, then I use the card & then it's gone?!?! I realize this is the purpose of the card, but for some reason, i like the security of it sitting there, just waiting for the PERFECT PURCHASE. So I'ma hold onto it for something great!

The funny thing is....I've barely thought about the divorce.  The thought of Jackweed in particular, has not crossed my mind but maybe once or twice, when I remember he has a "girlfriend".  And the sting of that has worn off quickly.  Even seeing his post on one of my friend's pages this morning didn't even make my heart jump. My finger jumped, however, right on over to the "delete" button.  Any friend of his is no friend of mine. Sorry, folks, that's just how it has to be.

Well....it's late. And thanks to the two pain pills, i've rambled on enough. I could go on, I'm sure, about how my kids have not been the best during this, how they're teenagers and driving me crazy. Or about my babies' daddy who has bypassed his previous record level of jackassery and is apparently going for some sort of world record. But these things bring me down. And the purpose of this blog is to remember and be thankful for the good things. And end on a good note. So let's think of daisies, and gift cards, and the Basket of Goodies my boss drove all the way to my house this evening. The cookies and muffins and breads, most of which i don't eat but my daddy will love....let's think of how New York at Thxgiving is only two months away. And how perfect this fall, thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be, even without 'his' money. All of those things, too, should be on my list of things getting me through. Because sometimes the "now" is easier, because you know that in the future, that "now" won't be a regret. That's the biggest motivation of all!

You want answers? I got answers....

In a surprising turn of events, my STBX (jackweed) sent a follow-up email which was sitting in my inbox at work first thing yesterday morning.  "what do you want?" it said. Now, not in general, mind you, because that very OBVIOUSLY always has and always will be the furthest thing from his mind. But specifically, out of this divorce. "What do you want?" [out of this divorce].  It went on to say "I sent you an email last week telling you what I was thinking, but have received no response."  Well...let's see....He did not communicate with ME whatsoever for FIVE MONTHS...and all of a sudden you want to "get this over with."  He can wait. 
In the meantime....I have decided to list the top five things I "want" and/or "don't want" from the divorce. (I threw the "dont want" in, just in case....)
5.  I want to be kept in the lifestyle to which i have become accustomed. Monetarily and superficially that is. NOT the lifestyle that I walked out the door because of! I don't want to have to constantly police someone's social habits. I don't want to have to teach a grown man how to be a parent. I don't want to have to stand in a green haze of stench while I'm putting on my makeup EVERY morning. 
4.  I want....to be happy.  Most of the time.  I want to enjoy my children unencumbered by nonesense and triviality.  I want to love my family and friends without feeling guilty about his jackleg family issues and/or lack thereof.  I want to shower my children with love, attention and whatever else they need without feeling guilty that he nor his ex nor either of their families are capable of doing the same to his children.
3.  I want to be able to enjoy the good memories and let go of the bad ones, without being wistful.  This was TEN years of my life, people.  It was an entire decade of growing emotionally, socially, educationally, and (unfortunately, physically).  Half of my adult life was spent with this man.  Vacations, soical events...pictures are everywhere.  I don't want to tear them up and give away everything he ever gave me. Sure, at this moment, I hate him to the core of my being (i just found out he has a girlfriend). But that is the NEW him that i hate. I loved the old him. And while i believe i have truly realized i'll never get the old him back, i do want to remember the old him fondly. Because there were good times. So, out with the new, remember the old.
2.  I want to know that in some way, he's suffering too. This is a tricky one, because more than likely none of us will ever have that 360.  You know, where you find out that the person who hurt you is/was/did hurt too.  Sometimes people will tell you, see something, hear something that they pass along to you. Sometimes you will see it for yourself. Even on rare occassions, that very person may come to you years later, and admit to you everything you ever thought you wanted to hear.  On the surface, his life seems great and he's able to enjoy it without my nagging, my rules, my structure or my "guidance".  But secretly, I hope he's falling apart. I hope he realizes that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I hope he lies in bed at night and thinks about what could have been.  I hope he walks around that house and sees me in every cabinet, faucet and floor tile.  Even more than all of that, I hope that even in a sea of people, he's lonely without me.
1. I want to have peace.  Peace comes with knowing that the business part of this divorce is over and done and regardless of what happens, I survived.  I want monetary retribution for the decade I put in, sure. And I'm willing to settle for less than the law provides, just to have that peace. But I ain't no sucka. And I'll fight as long as I have to in order to get what I want for me and my children.  When all is said and done, though, I just want....peace.  I already know I did everything I could in the marriage to make it work.  I even know that I went to him, after he said he wanted a divorce, and gave him one opportunity at a take-back.  He politely declined and I politely went about my life. I did not want to walk away ever thinking I could have or should have done more.  I want peace with my past, present and future, without him, whatever that may be.

Somewhat true to my word....

I don't have anything to say. 

The First in Ten....

Today.....is my 36th birthday. Honestly? Once you're this age, it doesn't feel any different than yesterday did.  I was SUPPOSED to be with my very best friend in the whole wide world, in New Orelans, living it up and trashing exes, making new memories, eating Aunt Sally's pralines and drinking hurricanes (not at the same time, of course) .... But long story short, i have the gallbladder of a ninety year old woman and alas, at the last minute, no trip. She went by herself, which I will be eternally grateful for. She needed this trip as much if not more than me.  I have seen the pictures and I know she's having a great time. So ... this leaves me here at home, to celebrate the first birthday without Dillweed (this is his new name, as it is easier to type than 'soon-to-be-ex-husband') .... And I think I've said this before, I don't know WHY it upsets me...cause he ain't so great w/ the birthdays....or any holiday for that matter. It's the principal of it; we were SUPPOSED to be together.  He was SUPPOSED to act right and treat me like a princess.  You see the natural progression here. SO.... in honor of my first independent birthday in TEN YEARS, I will list the top five things I am thankful for  on this my 36th birthday, the first four being random, the last one being the most important:

1)  I do not have to worry about his demonic son fucking up my birthday.  This child is Satan's minion, and that is no exaggeration.  Every holiday, my birthday most importantly, was clouded by my dread of this child being involved.  There would be an altercation at some point, somehow, and since Dillweed wasn't so great at disciplining THIS child, it would be left to me, at which point the incident would snowball into a full blown national emergency. Every year around the holidays, I would pull out the divorce papers and start calculating WHICH holidays I would be able to breathe easy. This is sad, I know. But i am beyond thankful that no matter what I deal with now, it's not that child/demon/deliquent.... Happy Birthday/Halloween/Thanksgiving/New Year and Merry Xmas! I'm already breathing more easily!

2)  There is already no disappointment.  My birthday is an ordeal, a full blown celebration, at least in my mind.  Weeks before, okay, MONTHS before,  I would start dropping hints about what I wanted, only to end up with a paperback glorified magazine about Friends rather than the DVD Box Set of Friends.... The ONLY birthday I can remember getting what I wanted and maybe even more, was a few years ago when he booked a Victorian Train Car in Chattanooga.  There were wine and chocolate and roses waiting in the room.  It was a good, quiet weekend, and he did it (mostly) on his own! He did, however, spend most of the evening watching a football game.  But one birthday out of nine? Not a great track record. So this year, there was no level of expectation therefore, no level of disappointment. 

3)  I dont' have to deal with HIS family on MY birthday.  This used to disgust me.  My birthday, holidays, whatever. HIS mother is beyond white trash. Do not defend her in your minds. There is no excuse. She is pathetic. She only called us when she needed something and for the most part, she always held some secret alliance with Dillweed's exwife. This is because they were exactly alike.  "I don't see anything wrong with leaving the six year old at home for an hour or two while I run to the video poker machines."  WTF? This only scrapes the surface.  His mother alone is material enough for a whole 'nother blog.  The point being, she would invariably, every other year, make some gesture. Again, don't defend her. It was merely to make me feel guilty for despising her. She would send flowers, or at the very least call, at my job, where I couldn't screen the call.  Knowing that she's out of my life is enough to make me thank god for this divorce every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

4)  I love the comfort and quiet of my own home.  Technically not "mine" per se....but where I live.  I am sitting here, listening to "the bridge" on XM radio (Thanks, Ethel) ... But this birthday will be filled with doing laundry, working on a paper, cleaning clutter (all in preparation for the gallbladder-ectomy; see above)... and that is just fine with me. Because my house is quiet (kids are gone til after lunch).... my dog is sleeping. All i can hear is the clicking of these keys, a bird outside and Crosby, Still & Nash.... Even the quiet at the house we shared for so long was, again, clouded by dread. Someone was going to fight, yell, complain, resent... Even if the children were gone, I knew that the man he was for those two days without children would morph into a totally different man once the children were home, and an even stranger more uncharacteristic man once the demonic child darkened the doorsteps (pun intended).... So no truly peaceful days. Today will be, hopefully, a truly peaceful day.

5) Most importantly I am thankful for my friends and family.  My mom (who I hated as a teenager and she still has her moments, but don't we all) is responsible for always making my birthday special, even when the men in my life fell through.  Well this time it wasn't a man (unless you count God???)...but when my half of the trip got cancelled, i'm sure she made it her mission to not let the weekend "SUCK" as I had declared it would.... Yesterday morning, she took me to breakfast, we ran errands, schlepped kids all over the county and came home to rest a bit before heading up to Atlanta to the Melting Pot ( my fave and now hers too!). . . We had a window seat looking out over Midtown Atlanta, at townhouses, historic buildings and even green green trees.... The food was great, the conversation never lagged and I only had to chide her once when she was expressing her delight to her sister on her cell phone, loudly. I told her I was going to make her go outside as the kissy couple in the booth behind us had no desire to hear how much she enjoyed the scallops or how the steak was so tender you didn't even need a knife. . . She even offered to buy me a cake at publix (no thanks) or she would make me red velvet cupcakes next week. After a semi-lengthy discussion, we decided that she would make me a German Chocolate Cake AFTER the surgery and all had settled (no pun intended.) My family is great, my kids are great, and this has already been a very nice birthday weekend. New Orleans it ain't....but she tried hard to make it a close second. Bravo!
Now...my friends....MY FRIENDS ARE THE BEST!  Aforementioned VBF could have pitched a holy hell fit when I told her I couldn't go on the trip (it make me physically want to vomit to have to tell her that)....but she didn't. She took it with poise and grace and you can't imainge my relief! Another bff sent me FLOWERS!!! DAISIES at that! Imagine my surprise! They are my favorite and I am so happy about them, I am taking them BACK to work on Monday just so I can look at them all day while I'm 'working'..... I've gotten texts from my other close frends all weekend long, facebook emails and wall posts. Everyone knows it's a difficult weekend but they're all the best! I have a handful of friends I know I could call at 4 a.m. if need be and they'd do anything in the world for me. The love and support I get from them, before during and after any man makes me want to thank god everyday for them.  My ex wasn't totally bad, it wasn't always as terrible as it was the last few years/months/days..... but he never gave me anything in comparison to what my friends give me.  And the next man that comes along, if any, will have to know UP FRONT: My friends are my life. And if they need me, I'll be there, just like they've been there for me.  "I love ya, baby, but step aside....the girls are coming over...."  We don't have to go out and get drunk, we don't have to be at a mall/store/shop spending money. My friends and I can have the time of our lives right here in this house, grilling, laughing, talking, IMing..... and that is what makes the difference between the crappy birthday I thought I would have and the great birthday I am already having!!!!

In My Defense.....

In my defense, I have not had access to internet in four (4) days! ! ! I was at the beach....with my children and a friend....at a VERY nice condo....and upon arrival I realized I had NO INTERNET. I scoured the room looking for that tiny cable that would connect my laptop to what i KNEW in my heart had to be the internet connection. But alas, to no avail. In all honesty, it was rather refreshing to not have  the internet. Those who might really need me the most were either with me or had my cell number. Not to feel compelled to check facebook every hour on the hour to see what mindless dribble might be falling from some poor saps mouth was actually nice. I spout that off like I hate facebook, but in reality I thrive on being all up in other people's bidness at times. But sometimes, enough is enough. I enjoyed the beach. I enjoyed my boys who are, by the way, full blown teenagers now....(as evidenced by the conversation that followed our passing a store called "Condom Knowledge"....)
I regressed at the beach somehow. I thought being there would refresh my soul. And maybe that is what has happened. Maybe refreshing my soul means actually 'feeling' something....because until now, i wouldn't allow myself to feel anything but either sheer panic or pure contentment. There was no in between. But over the weekend, I realized that this coming weekend will be my first birthday without him in ten years. Now...birthdays he ain't great at, so I don't know WHY this bothers me. My family has always made birthdays an event and it seems both exes could not have cared less if birthdays existed or not. I have been known, however, to have a birthmonth. This works well for me. But I digress. He's not good at birthdays. Or any holiday really. I got Jack Squat for Christmas this past year and I didn't even really think we were 3 months from separation. Which brings me to point no. 2.
I also realized, while at the beach, that this time last year, he and I were in Las Vegas, living it up and being 'happy'. Six months later i walked in from a week in London and was living somewhere else the next day. So how do you go from Vegas to London in six months???? Now....my best friend would stop me RIGHT HERE.....and remind me that we weren't "happy" in Vegas. We were alone, without children, on vacation, with all the same problems at home, waiting to suck us back in, "like a spidah", she would say.  THEN....she would remind me how he took ALL the Christmas gifts BACK to the stores because i charged them on HIS credit card (he had used our xmas savings to cover a 'mishap' in his checkbook)....THEN....she would top it off by reminding me of the event that started the downward spiral of the end....which was, to save airing dirty laundry even more, an "outburst of temper"....Now, take that for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. If you think for one second that motherfucker laid a hand on me, think again. Regardless. . . this temper having been an issue in the past....this was a culmination of years upon years. And she would remind me of that. She would ALSO remind me of how "quickly and helpfully" he got me out of the house once we decided to do a 'trial separation'. I stupidly left thinking we'd work it out. A week later? He wants a divorce. Now...she would round this out by saving the best for last....(she is AMAZING with the psychology) ... IT DOES NOT MATTER. (this is what she would say, loudly, or type in all caps).... It doesn't matter how we went from Vegas to London in six months. It doesn't matter what happened between the time I stepped foot out of that house until the moment he said he wanted a divorce. It doesn't matter what he was thinking, is thinking, might think in the future. What matters is....I am here...dealing with divorce, the prospect of no insurance, no car, finishing school and taking care of two teenage boys. Alone. And it matters that I am, for the most part, happy. And what matters most, is that there is nothing that he could ever say that would make me take him back. There are no words, no gestures, no nothing, that would make me allow him to do that. So no matter what his reality is...no matter what he is telling people, or himself for that matter....no matter how he perceives the situation to be....it is MY reality...MY heart....MY life that matters to me. She tells me this. She reminds me of this. And I will remember it daily....until I wake up with it engrained in my brain, so that it is a part of life I don't even have to think about. Until it is a part of my daily reality. Because what really matters, is that he doesn't matter.

Fancy Faucets

When I left the house I shared with my soon to be exhusband five months ago, the one thing I missed the most was my bathtub.  We had bought this old house from my family (MY family) and remodeled. We added a HUGE master bedroom & HUGE master bathroom. I had my own sink. I had counterspace. Separate shower and tub. AND THE TUB......was amazing. Six foot tub, roman faucet...it was beautiful. It was spacious. You ran out of hot water before you could fill it all the way up. I had never had a tub like that before. And loved it. And the week or two after I left, I missed my tub. I missed my custom kitchen cabinets. I missed six drawers for make up and knick knacks.  I moved into my parents' rental house on their property.  It's old.  It's small. (it's free!). And I thought that downsizing into an old house with old brown cabinets (and not many of them) and vinyl flooring (versus custom tile) was going to make the whole divorce process even more difficult.  But when my children (who are relatively spoiled) piped up one night, as I was complaining about the lack of kitchen cabinet space, I had to reevaluate my priorities.  I say, 'There's not enough space in here' and these 14 year old wise-beyond-their-years children chime in with "Yeah, but there's no yelling....there's no fighting...Just...love...right mom?"  WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? I tell you what you say: you agree....wholeheartedly....and you thank GOD your children have the capacity to grasp that and reel you back into reality at the same time.  So that fancy faucet....in that fancy tub.....means nothing to me now.  I'll take my drama free, non-combative cracked beige tub anyday!

I already skipped a day.....

So...this is typical...I skipped a day already. I said I would log in and type something every single day, even if I just typed "i don't have anything to say". But true to my own form, I didn't. However, let it be known that I did this upfront. There is no need to go about three months of faithful blogging and then skip a day.  Can you imagine the disappointment? "She was doing sooooo good!!! Now look at her...She has to start all over." I prefer to show my shortcomings right up front....that way, no one is disappointed later.
This is true in relationships too.  I have been separated for five months.  I have a multitude of girl friends.... a handful of guy friends. My very best friend and I are going through concurrent breakups. This helps, believe me. So I'm talking to this guy. He's an old friend. (As in, I've known him for a long time, not that he's in a nursing home or what not...) I don't know if I would ever want it to be more nor do I know if he would ever want anything more. But I'm texting w/ him and he gives me some cryptic message (as most guys tend to do).  I ask aforementioned BFF about this. She says "JUST ASK HIM WHAT HE MEANS..... ten years from now, you're not going to be trying to figure him out...You're gonna say "GOTDAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN....and by the way, Fix my supper!"
I laughed out loud. After the initial jolt of her even insinuating I would be with this guy ten years from now. But this leads me to a piece of advice that I can give and I hope to hold true to myself. At this point in life, after marriages and divorces, children and friends....BE YOURSELF!  What do you have to lose? That person? So be it. We're too old to have to play games and pretend to be something we're not.  My Soon-To-Be-Ex would throw this in my face all the time. "When we were dating, you went to car shows with me all the time...You said you liked it..."  So what? I was like, 25, and still trying to get a ring, right? I would'a watched live tigers maul baby gazelles if it meant I got that carat!  Now? No sir. We all fudge a little, sure.  But be careful that these tiny white lies of pacification (is that a word? If not, it should be) do not create a situation that you have to continually perpetuate for the rest of the time you know this person. "Sure I love deep sea fishing"....there's a lifetime of long weekends on a rocky boat, playing hostess to drunk friends and throwing back meds to keep from turning green.  "Sure, I've always enjoyed car shows."  Now every first weekend in June is spent perusing muscle cars in the hot sun, sweating, and you suddenly have a lifetime subscription to hot rod magazine in YOUR NAME that you can't even discard via divorce.
The point is... I lived my life ten years putting up with things I normally would not put up with. Things I thought were worth it just to be with someone. Fuck that. I want to be with someone who likes me for me. Someone who thinks my idiosyncrasies are cute.... I haven't the time nor the energy at this point to feign interest in body building, fishing, devil worship or RC boat racing.  You have your time, I'll have mine. We'll meet in the middle. But know upfront, i procrastinate. I have to shower before bed. I HAVE to. I eat cereal with a fork. I fall asleep to Nick at Nite. I don't have a fingernail on one finger. I don't eat the inside of biscuits. And if I say I will blog everyday, I won't.  But I'll do my damndest to come close. And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, that's alright: I'm prolly headed there anyway.

Day One of 275....

I don't know why I chose today to start a blog. My very best friend in the world told me that the best way to get over this, was to write something everyday. So i bought a note book, and in the five months I've been separated, I have written two (2) entries, which were modest at best. So...I figure even if I never have another human being read this blog, at the very least, I will be accountable to myself.

It is Tuesday, September 1, 2009.  My 10th (yes TENTH) wedding anniversary WOULD HAVE BEEN June 3, 2010.  That's 9 months, 2 days from today. 275 days. I am not rich and I cannot afford therapy. Therefore, I have decided to make these keys my therapy. Therapy in black and white. I've had a million heartbreaks and read a million books and not a single one of them prepared me for this. So I'ma do this my way. And if in 9 months and 2 days, I am no better off than I am today, I will only have myself (and my stupid ass selfish white trash delusional soon to be exhusband) to blame.

Day One.....I am at work. I have IM'd with my very best friend in the whole world like we do every morning. I have checked facebook. I have worked...on my farmtown farm on facebook. I have piles of work sitting around me and little motivation to execute any plans for doing said work. I haven't the energy to explain, in one dull and boring sweep, why my life is where it is. I think you will see in time the events that unfolded leading me to this very point. In the grand scheme of things, my life is boring and usual. I'm not the only person to go through a divorce and my divorce is not unusally high profile or even noticeable to the outside world.  But that is not what matters. What matters is that my divorce is going on in my life, and that is enough to break my heart, on occassion. But i am 36 years old. I have a life to live and a family to take care of. I refuse on any given day, to let this divorce stand in the way of me living my life in whatever way i decide i should. And that...is where this blog begins....and my old life ends....
Renaissance (which i had to google to spell) is rebirth. An awakening. And that is what this is....within the recognition that my life, as i knew it, is over and it is time to rebuild the person i know i still am, deep inside, and couple it with the person i want to be. I want to be happy, most of us do. I want to live my life with no regrets (from this point on) and make peace with any regrets i may have of the past. This is my third divorce (GASP!) and I will not only make it through, but hopefully, 275 days from today, be able to look back and hardly remember being broken.