This blog.....

This blog is supposed to be about survival...acceptance....and reforming and renewing of my life after my divorce.  Well I'm still getting divorced. So i don't know why it surprises me that i'm still getting over it.  I left at the end of March. It's the middle of November.  I've done, in my own opinion, pretty damn good.  For the most part, I've let sleeping dogs lie.  He said he wanted a divorce: i tried one good time to lay it all on the table and be sure that's what he wanted. When he said it was, I left it alone.  I haven't sent emails, texts or called. I haven't staked out his house or job.  I haven't created bogus accounts to send him stuff or hacked into his email or facebook.  I have to drive by his house every day (it's only a few houses down from where I live now).  I worked really hard to NOT look when I went by for the last six months.  I find myself looking more recently.  He's never there, so I don't know why I bother.  This stupid ass computer geek that couldn't get up off the couch to save his fucking life all of a sudden is gone. All the time. Family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, who knows.  And I want to say that I don't care. . . But I guess I do.  It goes back to the whole concept of "how is he functioning without me?".  And i remind myself....IF he is functioning, it would not be up to my standards. And IF i was there, i would have to be babysitting him and constantly policing his social skills and activities.  So whatever he's doing, it doesn't concern me.  And I am trying to make my peace with that.  I have plenty of things to fill my time. And i have so much to look forward to. But today, I have just been sad. And my BFF told me, at least a hundred times in the beginning, if i'm sad, then allow myself to be sad.  Don't fight it. She said "the more you cry now, the less you will later."  Well, I'm not crying. But today was a difficult day.  I drove around for about two hours, alone, listening to music, then listening to quiet, just thinking. And the conclusion I came up with is this:  I loved him for a reason. I left him for a reason. My life is my own and I may be barely over proverty level, if that. But perhaps there is peace in poverty. Because his six figures didn't matter when he was busting down doors and yelling and screaming.  That paycheck meant nothing when he was deliberatly shunning my children in favor of his own.  All the money in the world wasn't worth my happiness and that of my children.  So yeah, make another ham sandwich and pass me the chips. I can brown bag it as long as i need to. Today was hard for no reason at all other than it just was.  But I know that I'll wake up tomorrow still living my own life.  And if I'm still sad, so be it. But chances are, I'll be over it.  The good thing, six months later, is the pain comes less frequently and lasts not nearly as long.  Hours of sobbing has turned into infrequent passing moments of melancholy. And i truly believe that one day the moments of melancholy will have faded into an fleeting memory here and there.  Maybe even a memory I can smile about. And i can just remember the man I fell in love with, not the man I am divorcing.  The latter is all too real and the first one, well he faded into obscurity somewhere along the way. It hurts today but one day, you won't even be able to see the scar. . . . .