We all have exes....And so many of my exes do not matter. But three do....the one that doesn't count (young and stupid)....the babies' daddy....and the STBX. The first might as well be non-existent and I refuse to even put effort into a paragraph on him. My babies' daddy is on his way to my office to pick up one kid's bag (and hopefully to give me child support). This ex does not necessarily bother me to see him anymore. That being said, i realized about twenty minutes ago I never put on my make up (which i always do at work, IF i do it at all). So i jumped up, hastily applied what little makeup i wear and brushed my hair. You never want your ex to see you and think "oh yeah, THAT'S why we're not together." So I'm sitting here waiting for him to get here, and I look decent enough. Regardless, there is no ache in the pit of my stomach. My heart isn't racing (good or bad). I don't feel like I could yak for ages. He'll come in, try to be witty, hopefully leave a check, tell me all the great things they are going to do this week, rattle some lingo off about his job (he's a sheriff's deputy in Podunk, Ga.) and then he'll leave. He'll be tired. He's always tired. This is part of why I never missed him. [UPDATE: He did NOT leave a check, he was tired, and he told a VERY long story about a guy who plowed an ambulance through a church last night....]
I said all of that to say this: It doesn't bother me to see him. (It bothers me to FIGHT with him, which is just as possible, but not to SEE him). I take comfort in this, even as I type it. Because I'm thinking back to how long ago it was that it stopped bothering me. It has been a MINUTE! So long ago, that I can't even pinpoint it. So if, at some point not too far past the divorce, I can get over having to see the father of my children, then SURELY there will come a time when seeing STBX will no more phase me than seeing a stranger at the mall. I want him to become a face in the crowd. I want his car to blend in with every other car driving down the street. I want his name to go in one ear and out the other. I want to pass right by him, unphased, unharmed, and unequivocally no worse for wear. Seeing the babies' daddy, for once, gives me hope that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I will see the man I shared the past ten years with, and he'll pass right on through the moment like a ghost. And I'll hold my head high, laughing and content, never even realizing he was there at all.
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