If only they knew....

I have a "friend"....a young, naive friend....who is so delusional about life.  Her expectations of men and relationships are so unrealistic, all I can do is roll my eyes.  "He didn't call me. He texted me and told me he was going to see a movie but that movie does not even come out until Friday!"  He lied. He didn't want to talk to you or he was with someone else.  This sent her into a five minute long rant about what he is supposed to do and how he is supposed to act.  They're not even dating, by the way.  She's just "talking" to him.  Or, not, as the case may be.  But i started thinking about my expectations, then and now, and how absolutely evolved my expectations are, or so i tell myself.  I remember (foolishly) marrying my babies' daddy. I was 21.  Had just had his twin boys. And we got married at the justice o' peace. I remember feeling faint and the guy even asking me if i was alright. That should have been my clue! Deep in my heart I knew he was an alcoholic. I knew that he couldn't hold down a job. I knew the only reason he was with me was because I got knocked up.  But he was CUTE and I wanted to be his wife. Or so I thought. I expected him to be at home. I expected him to provide for our family. I expected him to be faithful.  He was not home. He jumped from job to job. And he was getting blow jobs from his exgirlfriend on his lunch breaks.  My children and I ate crutons and cheese (provided by the government, the cheese, not the croutons) and he always had a 12 pack of Natty Lite in the fridge.  I expected that we could work out whatever problems came along because we "loved" each other.  In reality, I loved the thought of being his wife, maybe any wife. I tried so hard to make him into the man I wanted him to be, thinking foolishly that I could make him change.  Truth is, if I needed him to change so much, I shouldn't have been with him in the first place. We divorced after two years and I tucked away all the lessons for the next one.  The current (Soon to be ex) one passed all the "requirements" i had walked away from my first marriage with.  In retrospect, there were new, different red flags. But he had had a job for ten years. He had children (flag). His family was not involved in his life (flag).  He was, however, all up and involved in his ex-wife's family. (FLAG).  So over the ten years, my expectations have increased in some areas, decreased in others.  And who's to say they'll even be the same three months from now (or three minutes from now, knowing me?)  But I know this: I am tired of babysitting.  Tired of babysitting men's children and tired of babysitting the men themselves.  I don't want to have to tell someone to get a haircut, or god forbid to BATHE. I should not have to be having that discussion with ANY man at my age!!! I have teenage sons. That is MORE than enough for me. I don't want to balance someone else's checkbook or pick up their dirty underwear.  I don't want to have to second guess everything and wonder what he means by this or that.  I don't want to wonder if he cares or not.  I want to know. I want someone's world to revolve around me or at least a close facsimile thereof.  I want someone who, if he DOES do something wrong, is sorry that he hurt me, not sorry he got caught.  Because that sort of conscience, about my heart and my feelings, will tell me how he will handle so many other things, on so many other levels.   So my expectations have become more realistic I think.  Marriage is hard. Every single day.  Relationships are hard. Every single day.  Anytime you put two human beings together, it's going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. Men are going to fuck up.  But so are we.  I can tolerate some fuck ups. But i think being the center of someone's world, genuinely, will blanket across the things I need from a man.  Don't lie, don't cheat, don't commit felonies & misdemeanors.  Don't get blow jobs on your lunch break from anyone but me.  In my mind, reasonable and realistic.  And I'm willing to hold out for someone who fits that piece of my puzzle.