In My Defense.....

In my defense, I have not had access to internet in four (4) days! ! ! I was at the beach....with my children and a friend....at a VERY nice condo....and upon arrival I realized I had NO INTERNET. I scoured the room looking for that tiny cable that would connect my laptop to what i KNEW in my heart had to be the internet connection. But alas, to no avail. In all honesty, it was rather refreshing to not have  the internet. Those who might really need me the most were either with me or had my cell number. Not to feel compelled to check facebook every hour on the hour to see what mindless dribble might be falling from some poor saps mouth was actually nice. I spout that off like I hate facebook, but in reality I thrive on being all up in other people's bidness at times. But sometimes, enough is enough. I enjoyed the beach. I enjoyed my boys who are, by the way, full blown teenagers now....(as evidenced by the conversation that followed our passing a store called "Condom Knowledge"....)
I regressed at the beach somehow. I thought being there would refresh my soul. And maybe that is what has happened. Maybe refreshing my soul means actually 'feeling' something....because until now, i wouldn't allow myself to feel anything but either sheer panic or pure contentment. There was no in between. But over the weekend, I realized that this coming weekend will be my first birthday without him in ten years. Now...birthdays he ain't great at, so I don't know WHY this bothers me. My family has always made birthdays an event and it seems both exes could not have cared less if birthdays existed or not. I have been known, however, to have a birthmonth. This works well for me. But I digress. He's not good at birthdays. Or any holiday really. I got Jack Squat for Christmas this past year and I didn't even really think we were 3 months from separation. Which brings me to point no. 2.
I also realized, while at the beach, that this time last year, he and I were in Las Vegas, living it up and being 'happy'. Six months later i walked in from a week in London and was living somewhere else the next day. So how do you go from Vegas to London in six months???? Now....my best friend would stop me RIGHT HERE.....and remind me that we weren't "happy" in Vegas. We were alone, without children, on vacation, with all the same problems at home, waiting to suck us back in, "like a spidah", she would say.  THEN....she would remind me how he took ALL the Christmas gifts BACK to the stores because i charged them on HIS credit card (he had used our xmas savings to cover a 'mishap' in his checkbook)....THEN....she would top it off by reminding me of the event that started the downward spiral of the end....which was, to save airing dirty laundry even more, an "outburst of temper"....Now, take that for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. If you think for one second that motherfucker laid a hand on me, think again. Regardless. . . this temper having been an issue in the past....this was a culmination of years upon years. And she would remind me of that. She would ALSO remind me of how "quickly and helpfully" he got me out of the house once we decided to do a 'trial separation'. I stupidly left thinking we'd work it out. A week later? He wants a divorce. Now...she would round this out by saving the best for last....(she is AMAZING with the psychology) ... IT DOES NOT MATTER. (this is what she would say, loudly, or type in all caps).... It doesn't matter how we went from Vegas to London in six months. It doesn't matter what happened between the time I stepped foot out of that house until the moment he said he wanted a divorce. It doesn't matter what he was thinking, is thinking, might think in the future. What matters is....I am here...dealing with divorce, the prospect of no insurance, no car, finishing school and taking care of two teenage boys. Alone. And it matters that I am, for the most part, happy. And what matters most, is that there is nothing that he could ever say that would make me take him back. There are no words, no gestures, no nothing, that would make me allow him to do that. So no matter what his reality is...no matter what he is telling people, or himself for that matter....no matter how he perceives the situation to be....it is MY reality...MY heart....MY life that matters to me. She tells me this. She reminds me of this. And I will remember it daily....until I wake up with it engrained in my brain, so that it is a part of life I don't even have to think about. Until it is a part of my daily reality. Because what really matters, is that he doesn't matter.