You want answers? I got answers....

In a surprising turn of events, my STBX (jackweed) sent a follow-up email which was sitting in my inbox at work first thing yesterday morning.  "what do you want?" it said. Now, not in general, mind you, because that very OBVIOUSLY always has and always will be the furthest thing from his mind. But specifically, out of this divorce. "What do you want?" [out of this divorce].  It went on to say "I sent you an email last week telling you what I was thinking, but have received no response."  Well...let's see....He did not communicate with ME whatsoever for FIVE MONTHS...and all of a sudden you want to "get this over with."  He can wait. 
In the meantime....I have decided to list the top five things I "want" and/or "don't want" from the divorce. (I threw the "dont want" in, just in case....)
5.  I want to be kept in the lifestyle to which i have become accustomed. Monetarily and superficially that is. NOT the lifestyle that I walked out the door because of! I don't want to have to constantly police someone's social habits. I don't want to have to teach a grown man how to be a parent. I don't want to have to stand in a green haze of stench while I'm putting on my makeup EVERY morning. 
4.  I want....to be happy.  Most of the time.  I want to enjoy my children unencumbered by nonesense and triviality.  I want to love my family and friends without feeling guilty about his jackleg family issues and/or lack thereof.  I want to shower my children with love, attention and whatever else they need without feeling guilty that he nor his ex nor either of their families are capable of doing the same to his children.
3.  I want to be able to enjoy the good memories and let go of the bad ones, without being wistful.  This was TEN years of my life, people.  It was an entire decade of growing emotionally, socially, educationally, and (unfortunately, physically).  Half of my adult life was spent with this man.  Vacations, soical events...pictures are everywhere.  I don't want to tear them up and give away everything he ever gave me. Sure, at this moment, I hate him to the core of my being (i just found out he has a girlfriend). But that is the NEW him that i hate. I loved the old him. And while i believe i have truly realized i'll never get the old him back, i do want to remember the old him fondly. Because there were good times. So, out with the new, remember the old.
2.  I want to know that in some way, he's suffering too. This is a tricky one, because more than likely none of us will ever have that 360.  You know, where you find out that the person who hurt you is/was/did hurt too.  Sometimes people will tell you, see something, hear something that they pass along to you. Sometimes you will see it for yourself. Even on rare occassions, that very person may come to you years later, and admit to you everything you ever thought you wanted to hear.  On the surface, his life seems great and he's able to enjoy it without my nagging, my rules, my structure or my "guidance".  But secretly, I hope he's falling apart. I hope he realizes that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I hope he lies in bed at night and thinks about what could have been.  I hope he walks around that house and sees me in every cabinet, faucet and floor tile.  Even more than all of that, I hope that even in a sea of people, he's lonely without me.
1. I want to have peace.  Peace comes with knowing that the business part of this divorce is over and done and regardless of what happens, I survived.  I want monetary retribution for the decade I put in, sure. And I'm willing to settle for less than the law provides, just to have that peace. But I ain't no sucka. And I'll fight as long as I have to in order to get what I want for me and my children.  When all is said and done, though, I just want....peace.  I already know I did everything I could in the marriage to make it work.  I even know that I went to him, after he said he wanted a divorce, and gave him one opportunity at a take-back.  He politely declined and I politely went about my life. I did not want to walk away ever thinking I could have or should have done more.  I want peace with my past, present and future, without him, whatever that may be.