Speechless....

But not wordless. Many times I find myself with nothing to say but plenty to type...or vice versa.  Trying to narrow down a subject to talk about is like trying to decide which color Coach purse to buy. "D. All of the above."   But today I wanted to share a website that my best friend shared with me.  http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/  It is a great site where this guy has started collecting postcards that random people send in with a secret written on it.  It has always interested me, somehow, which secrets he chooses to publish.  Some are funny, some are mean, some are downright heartwrenching.  I like picking out which secret could be mine and.or my best friends. Sometimes I'll send her a copy of one and say "IS THIS YOU???"  But a recurring theme in these secrets....regret....and remorse.  Like, one woman this week who pressured her husband to eat at a restuaruant he didn't like then he died later that night.  Okay. Terrible for her, i know. But the ones that touch me the most are ones of lost loves, lost family....things people should have done but didn't. And it always makes me stop and wonder, what am I sorry for? Plenty.  I'm sorry I took cash from my grandfathers store to buy dinner when i worked there as a teenager. I'm sorry i didn't spend more time with them when my children were toddlers. I'm sorry I had to learn the hard way about getting my education and now I'm in debt w/ the federal government for three times my annual salary.  I could have/should have been a better daughter, wife, friend, mother, employee, student.  But i wasn't. And honestly what is going to change now? I have no secret to mail into post secret. My deepest darkest are all already known by my best friend.  And sometimes reading all those secrets, I wonder...is anyone sorry for me? To me? About me? Is there anyone in the universe who thinks to themselves that they are sorry that they did/witnessed/had knowledge of  such-n-such that had to do with me......Honestly, It hasn't been very long since my separation. And I'm already waiting for the apology. I'm sure it will be a long time coming, if it ever comes at all. And maybe I have some apologizing to do myself.  Maybe it doesn't make a hill of beans if people apologize after the fact or not. But today, I think I might not feel like I wasted those ten years of my life, if I thought he was at least a little sorry for the way he treated me.  But in comparison to some of those words....on some of those postcards....my regret...my remorse...or either of those I might ever get from him....pales in comparison to addiction....losing a loved one....a child, a mother or father.  But What I'm going through is real enough to me. Real enough that I can cry, if I need to.  Or call my best friend and fuss if I need to.  In the grand scheme of things, it's no Post Secret.  But it's my heartbreak. And I'll deal with it in an appropriate manner, whether that's a 3 x 5 postcard.... or 8 1/2 x 11 divorce papers. . . Or both.