Typical Lapse

Well how truly typical of me to have gone weeks (is that right??) without posting? This was supposed to be my therapy and like all other therapy, i've taken it half-assed.  When i post, i do it whole-heartedly. But it's the lack of consistency that is the issue here.  I found myself in a downward spiral today....and it dawned on me that perhaps if i was blogging, like i am SUPPOSED to be then not only would i be sending M.D.H.'s to my bff, i would also not be fantasizing, romanticizing and altogether redrawing memories in my brain about what coulda/shoulda/woulda been. i don't know why women do this.  When something we KNOW we should let go of haunts us, instead of running in the other directions, we savor every last "i love you" we heard, every last touch ...or memory...or joke or pet name..... WE KNOW BETTER. We know we can under no circumstances, ever recreate the man he used to be, the fun we used to have, the jokes we used to share. Because everytime he calls you a pet name, you wonder what pet name he's calling his new girlfriend, or the girlfriend he was seeing while he was with you. Every word....out of his mouf, would have to be questionable.  Does he mean it? Because he said he meant it ten years ago. Or three years ago. Or six months ago. And now look where we are! ?!?!  No, my STBX has not come back, hasn't made contact other than business purposes, hasn't apologized, hasn't realized i was the best thing that ever happened to him. He's too busy wallowing in his pit of self-pity and woe to come to terms with any of the aforementioned.  (side note: my best friend swears to me all of these things will happen one day, whether i am around to see it or not. I fucking hope so.) 
All of this lingering in the past was triggered by what is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. Disney World. I love ... DW.  I would work there, live there, whatever. It makes me happy. Period. The magic kingdom, specifically.  And unfortunately for me, this is something that he and i shared. Multiple times. We went on our honeymoon there. We took our kids there. This trip was, for me, initially about taking my kids WITHOUT him or his kids. I wanted that experience.  Then it occurs to me, perhaps this is my chance to make my own memories of Disney that do not include him.  While I was attempting this, I kept finding myself remembering....'awww ... that's where we stayed..."  "awww. i remember the first time we rode that and I was scared and he soothed me".... "Awww...i remember when we had to put gas in the car...."  WTF???? I had to snap out of that QUICKLY! These are MY memories. Memories HE CHOSE not to be a part of anymore. HE CHOSE to become the person he is. HE CHOSE to not want to be married to me anymore. So from now on, it's me, Micky, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, Pluto...and so on...but not him. Not anymore. This is just the beginning of my life without him. I'ma make new memories. Happier memories. I'm going to love myself, tolerate myself, let myself feel what i have to feel. I'm going to travel and spend time with my friends and family. Because all these years later, look who is picking up the pieces...Again. My family. My friends. This time, my kids....But I'm a little more aware of what is going on now. A little more aware of what needs to be done. I need to grieve these memories AND create new ones, not just one or the other. And I'ma try my level best, starting next weekend at my First Annual Halloween Hoopla Bash Extravaganza....then on to Thanksgiving with my best friend in NEW YORK....and every single day in between. There'll be more to come. New, better memories. Happier times, more laughter. Maybe a tear or two here and there. My heart aches right now, but it won't always. This is just one day. And even if the ache today turns into a week, it still won't be forever. Look how far I've come in six months.  I imagine how far I'll be six months from now. That is what this blog is about. Self-realization. Hope. Talking it out. There may be someone out there who is going through the same thing. If so, chin up.  If that relationship didn't last forever, then neither will the pain.