Quietly passing by....FINALLY!

This will sound silly to most, I am sure.  But I will tell it anyway.  Sitting here at 9:48 EST on a Monday night, trying desperately to finish (or start, actually) my final exam for my last graduate class, I was typing furiously when I looked at the date.  It was that exact moment that I realized my ten year date anniversary came and went without even so much as a thought from me.  November 15th, 1999, the STBX and I started dating.  Now, in my defense, I never kept up with it.  But the day after Valentines Day, 2000, he surprised me with roses, not for Valentines Day but for our three month dating anniversary. I know. Puke. This went on every three months for the rest of the year, (even tho we were married in June that year) until it was our one year date anniversary.  Each year he would at least acknowledge it, even if it was just in conversation.  Two months ago, I began calculating which days I thought would be hard to get through.  This one really topped the list.  But there it is, on the calendar, in the past.  No excitement, no pain, no heartbreak.  I honestly cannot even remember what I was doing that day. It was a Sunday. I believe I took the dog to PetSmart to be groomed.  I can't be positive.  But that makes me feel SO relieved.  I was not in my bed, pining over him, mourning the loss of our marriage. And not even that. I didn't even THINK, for ONE SECOND, about it.  Ten years had passed since that first date; the date we laughed about, the date we cherished. The date that supposedly lead to me spending the rest of my life with my soulmate. It was here for a full twenty-four hours and I was none the worse for wear.

How many Exes should one girl have.......

We all have exes....And so many of my exes do not matter.  But three do....the one that doesn't count (young and stupid)....the babies' daddy....and the STBX. The first might as well be non-existent and I refuse to even put effort into a paragraph on him.  My babies' daddy is on his way to my office to pick up one kid's bag (and hopefully to give me child support).  This ex does not necessarily  bother me to see him anymore.  That being said, i realized about twenty minutes ago I never put on my make up (which i always do at work, IF i do it at all).  So i jumped up, hastily applied what little makeup i wear and brushed my hair.  You never want your ex to see you and think "oh yeah, THAT'S why we're not together."  So I'm sitting here waiting for him to get here, and I look decent enough.  Regardless, there is no ache in the pit of my stomach.  My heart isn't racing (good or bad).  I don't feel like I could yak for ages.  He'll come in, try to be witty, hopefully leave a check, tell me all the great things they are going to do this week, rattle some lingo off about his job (he's a sheriff's deputy in Podunk, Ga.) and then he'll leave. He'll be tired. He's always tired. This is part of why I never missed him.  [UPDATE:  He did NOT leave a check, he was tired, and he told a VERY long story about a guy who plowed an ambulance through a church last night....]
I said all of that to say this:  It doesn't bother me to see him.  (It bothers me to FIGHT with him, which is just as possible, but not to SEE him).  I take comfort in this, even as I type it.  Because I'm thinking back to how long ago it was that it stopped bothering me.  It has been a MINUTE! So long ago, that I can't even pinpoint it.  So if, at some point not too far past the divorce, I can get over having to see the father of my children, then SURELY there will come a time when seeing STBX will no more phase me than seeing a stranger at the mall.  I want him to become a face in the crowd.  I want his car to blend in with every other car driving down the street.  I want his name to go in one ear and out the other.  I want to pass right by him, unphased, unharmed, and unequivocally no worse for wear.  Seeing the babies' daddy, for once, gives me hope that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I will see the man I shared the past ten years with, and he'll pass right on through the moment like a ghost.  And I'll hold my head high, laughing and content, never even realizing he was there at all. 

This blog.....

This blog is supposed to be about survival...acceptance....and reforming and renewing of my life after my divorce.  Well I'm still getting divorced. So i don't know why it surprises me that i'm still getting over it.  I left at the end of March. It's the middle of November.  I've done, in my own opinion, pretty damn good.  For the most part, I've let sleeping dogs lie.  He said he wanted a divorce: i tried one good time to lay it all on the table and be sure that's what he wanted. When he said it was, I left it alone.  I haven't sent emails, texts or called. I haven't staked out his house or job.  I haven't created bogus accounts to send him stuff or hacked into his email or facebook.  I have to drive by his house every day (it's only a few houses down from where I live now).  I worked really hard to NOT look when I went by for the last six months.  I find myself looking more recently.  He's never there, so I don't know why I bother.  This stupid ass computer geek that couldn't get up off the couch to save his fucking life all of a sudden is gone. All the time. Family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, who knows.  And I want to say that I don't care. . . But I guess I do.  It goes back to the whole concept of "how is he functioning without me?".  And i remind myself....IF he is functioning, it would not be up to my standards. And IF i was there, i would have to be babysitting him and constantly policing his social skills and activities.  So whatever he's doing, it doesn't concern me.  And I am trying to make my peace with that.  I have plenty of things to fill my time. And i have so much to look forward to. But today, I have just been sad. And my BFF told me, at least a hundred times in the beginning, if i'm sad, then allow myself to be sad.  Don't fight it. She said "the more you cry now, the less you will later."  Well, I'm not crying. But today was a difficult day.  I drove around for about two hours, alone, listening to music, then listening to quiet, just thinking. And the conclusion I came up with is this:  I loved him for a reason. I left him for a reason. My life is my own and I may be barely over proverty level, if that. But perhaps there is peace in poverty. Because his six figures didn't matter when he was busting down doors and yelling and screaming.  That paycheck meant nothing when he was deliberatly shunning my children in favor of his own.  All the money in the world wasn't worth my happiness and that of my children.  So yeah, make another ham sandwich and pass me the chips. I can brown bag it as long as i need to. Today was hard for no reason at all other than it just was.  But I know that I'll wake up tomorrow still living my own life.  And if I'm still sad, so be it. But chances are, I'll be over it.  The good thing, six months later, is the pain comes less frequently and lasts not nearly as long.  Hours of sobbing has turned into infrequent passing moments of melancholy. And i truly believe that one day the moments of melancholy will have faded into an fleeting memory here and there.  Maybe even a memory I can smile about. And i can just remember the man I fell in love with, not the man I am divorcing.  The latter is all too real and the first one, well he faded into obscurity somewhere along the way. It hurts today but one day, you won't even be able to see the scar. . . . .

If only they knew....

I have a "friend"....a young, naive friend....who is so delusional about life.  Her expectations of men and relationships are so unrealistic, all I can do is roll my eyes.  "He didn't call me. He texted me and told me he was going to see a movie but that movie does not even come out until Friday!"  He lied. He didn't want to talk to you or he was with someone else.  This sent her into a five minute long rant about what he is supposed to do and how he is supposed to act.  They're not even dating, by the way.  She's just "talking" to him.  Or, not, as the case may be.  But i started thinking about my expectations, then and now, and how absolutely evolved my expectations are, or so i tell myself.  I remember (foolishly) marrying my babies' daddy. I was 21.  Had just had his twin boys. And we got married at the justice o' peace. I remember feeling faint and the guy even asking me if i was alright. That should have been my clue! Deep in my heart I knew he was an alcoholic. I knew that he couldn't hold down a job. I knew the only reason he was with me was because I got knocked up.  But he was CUTE and I wanted to be his wife. Or so I thought. I expected him to be at home. I expected him to provide for our family. I expected him to be faithful.  He was not home. He jumped from job to job. And he was getting blow jobs from his exgirlfriend on his lunch breaks.  My children and I ate crutons and cheese (provided by the government, the cheese, not the croutons) and he always had a 12 pack of Natty Lite in the fridge.  I expected that we could work out whatever problems came along because we "loved" each other.  In reality, I loved the thought of being his wife, maybe any wife. I tried so hard to make him into the man I wanted him to be, thinking foolishly that I could make him change.  Truth is, if I needed him to change so much, I shouldn't have been with him in the first place. We divorced after two years and I tucked away all the lessons for the next one.  The current (Soon to be ex) one passed all the "requirements" i had walked away from my first marriage with.  In retrospect, there were new, different red flags. But he had had a job for ten years. He had children (flag). His family was not involved in his life (flag).  He was, however, all up and involved in his ex-wife's family. (FLAG).  So over the ten years, my expectations have increased in some areas, decreased in others.  And who's to say they'll even be the same three months from now (or three minutes from now, knowing me?)  But I know this: I am tired of babysitting.  Tired of babysitting men's children and tired of babysitting the men themselves.  I don't want to have to tell someone to get a haircut, or god forbid to BATHE. I should not have to be having that discussion with ANY man at my age!!! I have teenage sons. That is MORE than enough for me. I don't want to balance someone else's checkbook or pick up their dirty underwear.  I don't want to have to second guess everything and wonder what he means by this or that.  I don't want to wonder if he cares or not.  I want to know. I want someone's world to revolve around me or at least a close facsimile thereof.  I want someone who, if he DOES do something wrong, is sorry that he hurt me, not sorry he got caught.  Because that sort of conscience, about my heart and my feelings, will tell me how he will handle so many other things, on so many other levels.   So my expectations have become more realistic I think.  Marriage is hard. Every single day.  Relationships are hard. Every single day.  Anytime you put two human beings together, it's going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. Men are going to fuck up.  But so are we.  I can tolerate some fuck ups. But i think being the center of someone's world, genuinely, will blanket across the things I need from a man.  Don't lie, don't cheat, don't commit felonies & misdemeanors.  Don't get blow jobs on your lunch break from anyone but me.  In my mind, reasonable and realistic.  And I'm willing to hold out for someone who fits that piece of my puzzle.

Everyday....

Almost everyday i learn something new. And on the days i don't learn something new, i find reaffirmation in something i learned previously.  For instance, i know....deep in my heart, that things will be okay. They have to be. There is no other alternative. As bad as things may get, they will not always be that way. But sometimes, in the moment, i forget. And sometimes when i forget, the thoughts and emotions begin to spiral out of control. So i have to reaffirm, within myself, that things are going to be okay. Eventually. Everything happens for a reason, and even though i may not know that reason now, or ever for that matter, there is a reason nonetheless.
My emotions are on edge right now. Not because of the "divorce" per se. But the ripple effect from said divorce. It is Friday....I get paid A WEEK from now. And i have no money. Now. There have been PLENTY of times in my life when i said i had no money, whether it was to get sympathy from parents, husband, whatever. But i always, in reality, had money of some sort.  I have one credit card, with zero available credit. And my checking account will be negative $30 once my mother cashes the check for electricity & phone, which she has already been holding for two weeks. I can not call her and ask her to hold it any longer. This would summon a windful condescending stream of "i told you so's" that would make a United States Marine beg for mercy. I would rather pay the $35 fee at the bank and be done.  I don't know what I'll do for the next seven days: we're not without food, but there's no cash. Not even pennies. Not even ninety-nine cents to take them to Racetrack for a drink.  So what i learned today was, I'm an adult. Responsible for two children. And I need to save, at least a little, for rainy days. Today, it's pouring. But this too shall pass. I can do anything for seven days, even if I have to eat ramen noodles for lunch. As long as I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, I won't mind running from the train.......

Learning....

Two weeks ago today, a guy I come into contact with at work on occassion, called my office. He pretended to be calling for my boss, but my boss wasn't there.  The conversation turned slightly personal, discussing his visit to my office two weeks prior to that.  He said i had pretty feet. ( I go barefoot at work most days...It's the South. It's always hot.)  He said I was funny and pretty and all sorts of things a divorced woman wants and needs to hear.  He asked if he could call again. Of course, I said "Sure!"....I left work that day on Cloud 9. I called my best friend and gushed. When I hung up with her, still on C9, I literally thought to myself "I want to remember....how this moment feels....even if he never calls again, I want to remember how this feels."  He did call, every day for a week.  The past week, no calls.  He's busy, I know.  We don't want my boss to know we're talking (uncomfortable). So it's difficult. But he didn't ask for my cell.  He didn't get my email address.  In this day and age of technology, communication should NOT be an issue. So the point is... instead of moping that he hasn't called, I'm honestly going to walk away from this situation believing that there is still "something" out there.  I don't want to walk away from this divorce jaded and bitter. Do I hate my STBX? Of course. Do I wish him run over by a bus? Absolutely.  But every man is going to have his challenges: none of them are perfect! They're MEN! But I don't want this divorce to render me emotionally paranoid.  I'm not looking for anything: hell, I'm not even fully out of the marriage yet. (Emotionally, yes: legally, no.)  But no matter how "tough" women talk, everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to share their lives, their stories, their triumphs and tragedies with another human being.  The ex's usually beat us down, emotionally at least. Having a man tell you that you are beautiful is exciting. Even if he never calls. If that man thinks I'm are beautiful, another man will come along that thinks I'm beautiful too.  It may take patience. But I've got time. If there is one thing I've learned, men will come and go, but your girlfriends are the ones who pick up the pieces.  It's my goal to stay positive and stay realistic so there are not so many pieces to be picked up anymore.