I am recovering from gallbladder surgery. They yanked it out on Wednesday morning, almost two hours later than scheduled, and I ain't been the same since! Seriously, this is supposed to be the most common surgery these days. Rip, Nip, Zip & it's out. Weeellllll.... I don't know who it was that told me, "oh you'll be yourself in a day or two." REALLY? Who was THIS person? I can't even remember, because apparently i have the mind of an eighty year old woman too. Maybe I really AM Maude? Regardless, nothing can be easy with me. I'm the one percent. You know, when they say "Only one percent of people who [insert any action] will end up with [insert reaction]"....That's me. The one percent. So the "one little incision" turned into four incisions, the worst of which starts about two inches above my already deformed belly button and goes to the middle of said deformity. This one hurts like a motherfucker everytime I move, breathe, think or exist. The percocet helps though. And speaking of which, I am breaking one of my major life's rules (hiccups hurt too, by the way: i'm speaking from concurrent "research" if you will )....Back to the rule. Do NOT take prescription pain meds for pain!!! Double up the advil & save the good stuff for any particular rough emotional time in your life. However, this is the exception. Apparently, sometimes, you actually have to use the pain meds to dull the pain. Hopefully recovery will pick up tomorrow and i'll have something left over for the months to come.
In honor of the surgery, I will list the things that have helped me through the past 40 or so hours.
1. The Golden Girls....Yes, I have made it this far with the help of the Golden Girls. (I really am 80)... While I sat in the freezing cold hospital, where i arrived early and went into surgery late, i had about three and a half hours to kill. I laid on the stretcher, in my "open in the back" gown, paper booties on my feet, squinting at the snowy reception on my private tv, watching the Golden Girls. I don't know why I love this show: i dont' know why it is soothing to me. But it is. And you know what? It's on now. If I make it through The Nanny on Nick at Night, from 11 to midnight, I turn the TV to the Golden Girls to help me goto sleep. (They're obviously not helping me sleep tonight, however.)
2. My parents. I am 36 years old. I live in their rental house next door. Most of the time, we stay out of each others' lives. I rarely even make the trek across the yard unless there is some sort of edible bribe waiting. But my parents, both of them, came to the hospital, sat there with me in that little makeshift pre-op room and subsequently were waiting in my room when they wheeled me in from recovery. My daddy stayed until i was safely back in the room then left to take care of my kids. My mom stayed until i was released late last night. She went to the grocery store and got me gatorade, jello pudding, jello jello, soup, boullion and soda crackers. Oh, and percocet! This morning my dad made homemade tomato soup and tonight my mom made homemade potato soup. Being here, in this house, is just like old times. I've spent more time with them in the past few days than the whole month before combined. I've got to do a better job.
3. My friends. I know i've said it a trillion times, but my friends are the best! I've been showered with phone calls, texts, emails and facebook posts, all with get well wishes. My BFF even got me an amazon gift card, which has helped pass at least an hour and a half today! Why is it when you have no money, you can pick out a hundred things you want. But when you HAVE money, a giftcard in particular, you can not pin point any single thing that is truly worth you spending your card on? MTV acoustic cd? I've wanted that for a while. But if I get it, then I use the card & then it's gone?!?! I realize this is the purpose of the card, but for some reason, i like the security of it sitting there, just waiting for the PERFECT PURCHASE. So I'ma hold onto it for something great!
The funny thing is....I've barely thought about the divorce. The thought of Jackweed in particular, has not crossed my mind but maybe once or twice, when I remember he has a "girlfriend". And the sting of that has worn off quickly. Even seeing his post on one of my friend's pages this morning didn't even make my heart jump. My finger jumped, however, right on over to the "delete" button. Any friend of his is no friend of mine. Sorry, folks, that's just how it has to be.
Well....it's late. And thanks to the two pain pills, i've rambled on enough. I could go on, I'm sure, about how my kids have not been the best during this, how they're teenagers and driving me crazy. Or about my babies' daddy who has bypassed his previous record level of jackassery and is apparently going for some sort of world record. But these things bring me down. And the purpose of this blog is to remember and be thankful for the good things. And end on a good note. So let's think of daisies, and gift cards, and the Basket of Goodies my boss drove all the way to my house this evening. The cookies and muffins and breads, most of which i don't eat but my daddy will love....let's think of how New York at Thxgiving is only two months away. And how perfect this fall, thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be, even without 'his' money. All of those things, too, should be on my list of things getting me through. Because sometimes the "now" is easier, because you know that in the future, that "now" won't be a regret. That's the biggest motivation of all!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
You want answers? I got answers....
In a surprising turn of events, my STBX (jackweed) sent a follow-up email which was sitting in my inbox at work first thing yesterday morning. "what do you want?" it said. Now, not in general, mind you, because that very OBVIOUSLY always has and always will be the furthest thing from his mind. But specifically, out of this divorce. "What do you want?" [out of this divorce]. It went on to say "I sent you an email last week telling you what I was thinking, but have received no response." Well...let's see....He did not communicate with ME whatsoever for FIVE MONTHS...and all of a sudden you want to "get this over with." He can wait.
In the meantime....I have decided to list the top five things I "want" and/or "don't want" from the divorce. (I threw the "dont want" in, just in case....)
5. I want to be kept in the lifestyle to which i have become accustomed. Monetarily and superficially that is. NOT the lifestyle that I walked out the door because of! I don't want to have to constantly police someone's social habits. I don't want to have to teach a grown man how to be a parent. I don't want to have to stand in a green haze of stench while I'm putting on my makeup EVERY morning.
4. I want....to be happy. Most of the time. I want to enjoy my children unencumbered by nonesense and triviality. I want to love my family and friends without feeling guilty about his jackleg family issues and/or lack thereof. I want to shower my children with love, attention and whatever else they need without feeling guilty that he nor his ex nor either of their families are capable of doing the same to his children.
3. I want to be able to enjoy the good memories and let go of the bad ones, without being wistful. This was TEN years of my life, people. It was an entire decade of growing emotionally, socially, educationally, and (unfortunately, physically). Half of my adult life was spent with this man. Vacations, soical events...pictures are everywhere. I don't want to tear them up and give away everything he ever gave me. Sure, at this moment, I hate him to the core of my being (i just found out he has a girlfriend). But that is the NEW him that i hate. I loved the old him. And while i believe i have truly realized i'll never get the old him back, i do want to remember the old him fondly. Because there were good times. So, out with the new, remember the old.
2. I want to know that in some way, he's suffering too. This is a tricky one, because more than likely none of us will ever have that 360. You know, where you find out that the person who hurt you is/was/did hurt too. Sometimes people will tell you, see something, hear something that they pass along to you. Sometimes you will see it for yourself. Even on rare occassions, that very person may come to you years later, and admit to you everything you ever thought you wanted to hear. On the surface, his life seems great and he's able to enjoy it without my nagging, my rules, my structure or my "guidance". But secretly, I hope he's falling apart. I hope he realizes that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I hope he lies in bed at night and thinks about what could have been. I hope he walks around that house and sees me in every cabinet, faucet and floor tile. Even more than all of that, I hope that even in a sea of people, he's lonely without me.
1. I want to have peace. Peace comes with knowing that the business part of this divorce is over and done and regardless of what happens, I survived. I want monetary retribution for the decade I put in, sure. And I'm willing to settle for less than the law provides, just to have that peace. But I ain't no sucka. And I'll fight as long as I have to in order to get what I want for me and my children. When all is said and done, though, I just want....peace. I already know I did everything I could in the marriage to make it work. I even know that I went to him, after he said he wanted a divorce, and gave him one opportunity at a take-back. He politely declined and I politely went about my life. I did not want to walk away ever thinking I could have or should have done more. I want peace with my past, present and future, without him, whatever that may be.
In the meantime....I have decided to list the top five things I "want" and/or "don't want" from the divorce. (I threw the "dont want" in, just in case....)
5. I want to be kept in the lifestyle to which i have become accustomed. Monetarily and superficially that is. NOT the lifestyle that I walked out the door because of! I don't want to have to constantly police someone's social habits. I don't want to have to teach a grown man how to be a parent. I don't want to have to stand in a green haze of stench while I'm putting on my makeup EVERY morning.
4. I want....to be happy. Most of the time. I want to enjoy my children unencumbered by nonesense and triviality. I want to love my family and friends without feeling guilty about his jackleg family issues and/or lack thereof. I want to shower my children with love, attention and whatever else they need without feeling guilty that he nor his ex nor either of their families are capable of doing the same to his children.
3. I want to be able to enjoy the good memories and let go of the bad ones, without being wistful. This was TEN years of my life, people. It was an entire decade of growing emotionally, socially, educationally, and (unfortunately, physically). Half of my adult life was spent with this man. Vacations, soical events...pictures are everywhere. I don't want to tear them up and give away everything he ever gave me. Sure, at this moment, I hate him to the core of my being (i just found out he has a girlfriend). But that is the NEW him that i hate. I loved the old him. And while i believe i have truly realized i'll never get the old him back, i do want to remember the old him fondly. Because there were good times. So, out with the new, remember the old.
2. I want to know that in some way, he's suffering too. This is a tricky one, because more than likely none of us will ever have that 360. You know, where you find out that the person who hurt you is/was/did hurt too. Sometimes people will tell you, see something, hear something that they pass along to you. Sometimes you will see it for yourself. Even on rare occassions, that very person may come to you years later, and admit to you everything you ever thought you wanted to hear. On the surface, his life seems great and he's able to enjoy it without my nagging, my rules, my structure or my "guidance". But secretly, I hope he's falling apart. I hope he realizes that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I hope he lies in bed at night and thinks about what could have been. I hope he walks around that house and sees me in every cabinet, faucet and floor tile. Even more than all of that, I hope that even in a sea of people, he's lonely without me.
1. I want to have peace. Peace comes with knowing that the business part of this divorce is over and done and regardless of what happens, I survived. I want monetary retribution for the decade I put in, sure. And I'm willing to settle for less than the law provides, just to have that peace. But I ain't no sucka. And I'll fight as long as I have to in order to get what I want for me and my children. When all is said and done, though, I just want....peace. I already know I did everything I could in the marriage to make it work. I even know that I went to him, after he said he wanted a divorce, and gave him one opportunity at a take-back. He politely declined and I politely went about my life. I did not want to walk away ever thinking I could have or should have done more. I want peace with my past, present and future, without him, whatever that may be.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The First in Ten....
Today.....is my 36th birthday. Honestly? Once you're this age, it doesn't feel any different than yesterday did. I was SUPPOSED to be with my very best friend in the whole wide world, in New Orelans, living it up and trashing exes, making new memories, eating Aunt Sally's pralines and drinking hurricanes (not at the same time, of course) .... But long story short, i have the gallbladder of a ninety year old woman and alas, at the last minute, no trip. She went by herself, which I will be eternally grateful for. She needed this trip as much if not more than me. I have seen the pictures and I know she's having a great time. So ... this leaves me here at home, to celebrate the first birthday without Dillweed (this is his new name, as it is easier to type than 'soon-to-be-ex-husband') .... And I think I've said this before, I don't know WHY it upsets me...cause he ain't so great w/ the birthdays....or any holiday for that matter. It's the principal of it; we were SUPPOSED to be together. He was SUPPOSED to act right and treat me like a princess. You see the natural progression here. SO.... in honor of my first independent birthday in TEN YEARS, I will list the top five things I am thankful for on this my 36th birthday, the first four being random, the last one being the most important:
1) I do not have to worry about his demonic son fucking up my birthday. This child is Satan's minion, and that is no exaggeration. Every holiday, my birthday most importantly, was clouded by my dread of this child being involved. There would be an altercation at some point, somehow, and since Dillweed wasn't so great at disciplining THIS child, it would be left to me, at which point the incident would snowball into a full blown national emergency. Every year around the holidays, I would pull out the divorce papers and start calculating WHICH holidays I would be able to breathe easy. This is sad, I know. But i am beyond thankful that no matter what I deal with now, it's not that child/demon/deliquent.... Happy Birthday/Halloween/Thanksgiving/New Year and Merry Xmas! I'm already breathing more easily!
2) There is already no disappointment. My birthday is an ordeal, a full blown celebration, at least in my mind. Weeks before, okay, MONTHS before, I would start dropping hints about what I wanted, only to end up with a paperback glorified magazine about Friends rather than the DVD Box Set of Friends.... The ONLY birthday I can remember getting what I wanted and maybe even more, was a few years ago when he booked a Victorian Train Car in Chattanooga. There were wine and chocolate and roses waiting in the room. It was a good, quiet weekend, and he did it (mostly) on his own! He did, however, spend most of the evening watching a football game. But one birthday out of nine? Not a great track record. So this year, there was no level of expectation therefore, no level of disappointment.
3) I dont' have to deal with HIS family on MY birthday. This used to disgust me. My birthday, holidays, whatever. HIS mother is beyond white trash. Do not defend her in your minds. There is no excuse. She is pathetic. She only called us when she needed something and for the most part, she always held some secret alliance with Dillweed's exwife. This is because they were exactly alike. "I don't see anything wrong with leaving the six year old at home for an hour or two while I run to the video poker machines." WTF? This only scrapes the surface. His mother alone is material enough for a whole 'nother blog. The point being, she would invariably, every other year, make some gesture. Again, don't defend her. It was merely to make me feel guilty for despising her. She would send flowers, or at the very least call, at my job, where I couldn't screen the call. Knowing that she's out of my life is enough to make me thank god for this divorce every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
4) I love the comfort and quiet of my own home. Technically not "mine" per se....but where I live. I am sitting here, listening to "the bridge" on XM radio (Thanks, Ethel) ... But this birthday will be filled with doing laundry, working on a paper, cleaning clutter (all in preparation for the gallbladder-ectomy; see above)... and that is just fine with me. Because my house is quiet (kids are gone til after lunch).... my dog is sleeping. All i can hear is the clicking of these keys, a bird outside and Crosby, Still & Nash.... Even the quiet at the house we shared for so long was, again, clouded by dread. Someone was going to fight, yell, complain, resent... Even if the children were gone, I knew that the man he was for those two days without children would morph into a totally different man once the children were home, and an even stranger more uncharacteristic man once the demonic child darkened the doorsteps (pun intended).... So no truly peaceful days. Today will be, hopefully, a truly peaceful day.
5) Most importantly I am thankful for my friends and family. My mom (who I hated as a teenager and she still has her moments, but don't we all) is responsible for always making my birthday special, even when the men in my life fell through. Well this time it wasn't a man (unless you count God???)...but when my half of the trip got cancelled, i'm sure she made it her mission to not let the weekend "SUCK" as I had declared it would.... Yesterday morning, she took me to breakfast, we ran errands, schlepped kids all over the county and came home to rest a bit before heading up to Atlanta to the Melting Pot ( my fave and now hers too!). . . We had a window seat looking out over Midtown Atlanta, at townhouses, historic buildings and even green green trees.... The food was great, the conversation never lagged and I only had to chide her once when she was expressing her delight to her sister on her cell phone, loudly. I told her I was going to make her go outside as the kissy couple in the booth behind us had no desire to hear how much she enjoyed the scallops or how the steak was so tender you didn't even need a knife. . . She even offered to buy me a cake at publix (no thanks) or she would make me red velvet cupcakes next week. After a semi-lengthy discussion, we decided that she would make me a German Chocolate Cake AFTER the surgery and all had settled (no pun intended.) My family is great, my kids are great, and this has already been a very nice birthday weekend. New Orleans it ain't....but she tried hard to make it a close second. Bravo!
Now...my friends....MY FRIENDS ARE THE BEST! Aforementioned VBF could have pitched a holy hell fit when I told her I couldn't go on the trip (it make me physically want to vomit to have to tell her that)....but she didn't. She took it with poise and grace and you can't imainge my relief! Another bff sent me FLOWERS!!! DAISIES at that! Imagine my surprise! They are my favorite and I am so happy about them, I am taking them BACK to work on Monday just so I can look at them all day while I'm 'working'..... I've gotten texts from my other close frends all weekend long, facebook emails and wall posts. Everyone knows it's a difficult weekend but they're all the best! I have a handful of friends I know I could call at 4 a.m. if need be and they'd do anything in the world for me. The love and support I get from them, before during and after any man makes me want to thank god everyday for them. My ex wasn't totally bad, it wasn't always as terrible as it was the last few years/months/days..... but he never gave me anything in comparison to what my friends give me. And the next man that comes along, if any, will have to know UP FRONT: My friends are my life. And if they need me, I'll be there, just like they've been there for me. "I love ya, baby, but step aside....the girls are coming over...." We don't have to go out and get drunk, we don't have to be at a mall/store/shop spending money. My friends and I can have the time of our lives right here in this house, grilling, laughing, talking, IMing..... and that is what makes the difference between the crappy birthday I thought I would have and the great birthday I am already having!!!!
1) I do not have to worry about his demonic son fucking up my birthday. This child is Satan's minion, and that is no exaggeration. Every holiday, my birthday most importantly, was clouded by my dread of this child being involved. There would be an altercation at some point, somehow, and since Dillweed wasn't so great at disciplining THIS child, it would be left to me, at which point the incident would snowball into a full blown national emergency. Every year around the holidays, I would pull out the divorce papers and start calculating WHICH holidays I would be able to breathe easy. This is sad, I know. But i am beyond thankful that no matter what I deal with now, it's not that child/demon/deliquent.... Happy Birthday/Halloween/Thanksgiving/New Year and Merry Xmas! I'm already breathing more easily!
2) There is already no disappointment. My birthday is an ordeal, a full blown celebration, at least in my mind. Weeks before, okay, MONTHS before, I would start dropping hints about what I wanted, only to end up with a paperback glorified magazine about Friends rather than the DVD Box Set of Friends.... The ONLY birthday I can remember getting what I wanted and maybe even more, was a few years ago when he booked a Victorian Train Car in Chattanooga. There were wine and chocolate and roses waiting in the room. It was a good, quiet weekend, and he did it (mostly) on his own! He did, however, spend most of the evening watching a football game. But one birthday out of nine? Not a great track record. So this year, there was no level of expectation therefore, no level of disappointment.
3) I dont' have to deal with HIS family on MY birthday. This used to disgust me. My birthday, holidays, whatever. HIS mother is beyond white trash. Do not defend her in your minds. There is no excuse. She is pathetic. She only called us when she needed something and for the most part, she always held some secret alliance with Dillweed's exwife. This is because they were exactly alike. "I don't see anything wrong with leaving the six year old at home for an hour or two while I run to the video poker machines." WTF? This only scrapes the surface. His mother alone is material enough for a whole 'nother blog. The point being, she would invariably, every other year, make some gesture. Again, don't defend her. It was merely to make me feel guilty for despising her. She would send flowers, or at the very least call, at my job, where I couldn't screen the call. Knowing that she's out of my life is enough to make me thank god for this divorce every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
4) I love the comfort and quiet of my own home. Technically not "mine" per se....but where I live. I am sitting here, listening to "the bridge" on XM radio (Thanks, Ethel) ... But this birthday will be filled with doing laundry, working on a paper, cleaning clutter (all in preparation for the gallbladder-ectomy; see above)... and that is just fine with me. Because my house is quiet (kids are gone til after lunch).... my dog is sleeping. All i can hear is the clicking of these keys, a bird outside and Crosby, Still & Nash.... Even the quiet at the house we shared for so long was, again, clouded by dread. Someone was going to fight, yell, complain, resent... Even if the children were gone, I knew that the man he was for those two days without children would morph into a totally different man once the children were home, and an even stranger more uncharacteristic man once the demonic child darkened the doorsteps (pun intended).... So no truly peaceful days. Today will be, hopefully, a truly peaceful day.
5) Most importantly I am thankful for my friends and family. My mom (who I hated as a teenager and she still has her moments, but don't we all) is responsible for always making my birthday special, even when the men in my life fell through. Well this time it wasn't a man (unless you count God???)...but when my half of the trip got cancelled, i'm sure she made it her mission to not let the weekend "SUCK" as I had declared it would.... Yesterday morning, she took me to breakfast, we ran errands, schlepped kids all over the county and came home to rest a bit before heading up to Atlanta to the Melting Pot ( my fave and now hers too!). . . We had a window seat looking out over Midtown Atlanta, at townhouses, historic buildings and even green green trees.... The food was great, the conversation never lagged and I only had to chide her once when she was expressing her delight to her sister on her cell phone, loudly. I told her I was going to make her go outside as the kissy couple in the booth behind us had no desire to hear how much she enjoyed the scallops or how the steak was so tender you didn't even need a knife. . . She even offered to buy me a cake at publix (no thanks) or she would make me red velvet cupcakes next week. After a semi-lengthy discussion, we decided that she would make me a German Chocolate Cake AFTER the surgery and all had settled (no pun intended.) My family is great, my kids are great, and this has already been a very nice birthday weekend. New Orleans it ain't....but she tried hard to make it a close second. Bravo!
Now...my friends....MY FRIENDS ARE THE BEST! Aforementioned VBF could have pitched a holy hell fit when I told her I couldn't go on the trip (it make me physically want to vomit to have to tell her that)....but she didn't. She took it with poise and grace and you can't imainge my relief! Another bff sent me FLOWERS!!! DAISIES at that! Imagine my surprise! They are my favorite and I am so happy about them, I am taking them BACK to work on Monday just so I can look at them all day while I'm 'working'..... I've gotten texts from my other close frends all weekend long, facebook emails and wall posts. Everyone knows it's a difficult weekend but they're all the best! I have a handful of friends I know I could call at 4 a.m. if need be and they'd do anything in the world for me. The love and support I get from them, before during and after any man makes me want to thank god everyday for them. My ex wasn't totally bad, it wasn't always as terrible as it was the last few years/months/days..... but he never gave me anything in comparison to what my friends give me. And the next man that comes along, if any, will have to know UP FRONT: My friends are my life. And if they need me, I'll be there, just like they've been there for me. "I love ya, baby, but step aside....the girls are coming over...." We don't have to go out and get drunk, we don't have to be at a mall/store/shop spending money. My friends and I can have the time of our lives right here in this house, grilling, laughing, talking, IMing..... and that is what makes the difference between the crappy birthday I thought I would have and the great birthday I am already having!!!!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
In My Defense.....
In my defense, I have not had access to internet in four (4) days! ! ! I was at the beach....with my children and a friend....at a VERY nice condo....and upon arrival I realized I had NO INTERNET. I scoured the room looking for that tiny cable that would connect my laptop to what i KNEW in my heart had to be the internet connection. But alas, to no avail. In all honesty, it was rather refreshing to not have the internet. Those who might really need me the most were either with me or had my cell number. Not to feel compelled to check facebook every hour on the hour to see what mindless dribble might be falling from some poor saps mouth was actually nice. I spout that off like I hate facebook, but in reality I thrive on being all up in other people's bidness at times. But sometimes, enough is enough. I enjoyed the beach. I enjoyed my boys who are, by the way, full blown teenagers now....(as evidenced by the conversation that followed our passing a store called "Condom Knowledge"....)
I regressed at the beach somehow. I thought being there would refresh my soul. And maybe that is what has happened. Maybe refreshing my soul means actually 'feeling' something....because until now, i wouldn't allow myself to feel anything but either sheer panic or pure contentment. There was no in between. But over the weekend, I realized that this coming weekend will be my first birthday without him in ten years. Now...birthdays he ain't great at, so I don't know WHY this bothers me. My family has always made birthdays an event and it seems both exes could not have cared less if birthdays existed or not. I have been known, however, to have a birthmonth. This works well for me. But I digress. He's not good at birthdays. Or any holiday really. I got Jack Squat for Christmas this past year and I didn't even really think we were 3 months from separation. Which brings me to point no. 2.
I also realized, while at the beach, that this time last year, he and I were in Las Vegas, living it up and being 'happy'. Six months later i walked in from a week in London and was living somewhere else the next day. So how do you go from Vegas to London in six months???? Now....my best friend would stop me RIGHT HERE.....and remind me that we weren't "happy" in Vegas. We were alone, without children, on vacation, with all the same problems at home, waiting to suck us back in, "like a spidah", she would say. THEN....she would remind me how he took ALL the Christmas gifts BACK to the stores because i charged them on HIS credit card (he had used our xmas savings to cover a 'mishap' in his checkbook)....THEN....she would top it off by reminding me of the event that started the downward spiral of the end....which was, to save airing dirty laundry even more, an "outburst of temper"....Now, take that for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. If you think for one second that motherfucker laid a hand on me, think again. Regardless. . . this temper having been an issue in the past....this was a culmination of years upon years. And she would remind me of that. She would ALSO remind me of how "quickly and helpfully" he got me out of the house once we decided to do a 'trial separation'. I stupidly left thinking we'd work it out. A week later? He wants a divorce. Now...she would round this out by saving the best for last....(she is AMAZING with the psychology) ... IT DOES NOT MATTER. (this is what she would say, loudly, or type in all caps).... It doesn't matter how we went from Vegas to London in six months. It doesn't matter what happened between the time I stepped foot out of that house until the moment he said he wanted a divorce. It doesn't matter what he was thinking, is thinking, might think in the future. What matters is....I am here...dealing with divorce, the prospect of no insurance, no car, finishing school and taking care of two teenage boys. Alone. And it matters that I am, for the most part, happy. And what matters most, is that there is nothing that he could ever say that would make me take him back. There are no words, no gestures, no nothing, that would make me allow him to do that. So no matter what his reality is...no matter what he is telling people, or himself for that matter....no matter how he perceives the situation to be....it is MY reality...MY heart....MY life that matters to me. She tells me this. She reminds me of this. And I will remember it daily....until I wake up with it engrained in my brain, so that it is a part of life I don't even have to think about. Until it is a part of my daily reality. Because what really matters, is that he doesn't matter.
I regressed at the beach somehow. I thought being there would refresh my soul. And maybe that is what has happened. Maybe refreshing my soul means actually 'feeling' something....because until now, i wouldn't allow myself to feel anything but either sheer panic or pure contentment. There was no in between. But over the weekend, I realized that this coming weekend will be my first birthday without him in ten years. Now...birthdays he ain't great at, so I don't know WHY this bothers me. My family has always made birthdays an event and it seems both exes could not have cared less if birthdays existed or not. I have been known, however, to have a birthmonth. This works well for me. But I digress. He's not good at birthdays. Or any holiday really. I got Jack Squat for Christmas this past year and I didn't even really think we were 3 months from separation. Which brings me to point no. 2.
I also realized, while at the beach, that this time last year, he and I were in Las Vegas, living it up and being 'happy'. Six months later i walked in from a week in London and was living somewhere else the next day. So how do you go from Vegas to London in six months???? Now....my best friend would stop me RIGHT HERE.....and remind me that we weren't "happy" in Vegas. We were alone, without children, on vacation, with all the same problems at home, waiting to suck us back in, "like a spidah", she would say. THEN....she would remind me how he took ALL the Christmas gifts BACK to the stores because i charged them on HIS credit card (he had used our xmas savings to cover a 'mishap' in his checkbook)....THEN....she would top it off by reminding me of the event that started the downward spiral of the end....which was, to save airing dirty laundry even more, an "outburst of temper"....Now, take that for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. If you think for one second that motherfucker laid a hand on me, think again. Regardless. . . this temper having been an issue in the past....this was a culmination of years upon years. And she would remind me of that. She would ALSO remind me of how "quickly and helpfully" he got me out of the house once we decided to do a 'trial separation'. I stupidly left thinking we'd work it out. A week later? He wants a divorce. Now...she would round this out by saving the best for last....(she is AMAZING with the psychology) ... IT DOES NOT MATTER. (this is what she would say, loudly, or type in all caps).... It doesn't matter how we went from Vegas to London in six months. It doesn't matter what happened between the time I stepped foot out of that house until the moment he said he wanted a divorce. It doesn't matter what he was thinking, is thinking, might think in the future. What matters is....I am here...dealing with divorce, the prospect of no insurance, no car, finishing school and taking care of two teenage boys. Alone. And it matters that I am, for the most part, happy. And what matters most, is that there is nothing that he could ever say that would make me take him back. There are no words, no gestures, no nothing, that would make me allow him to do that. So no matter what his reality is...no matter what he is telling people, or himself for that matter....no matter how he perceives the situation to be....it is MY reality...MY heart....MY life that matters to me. She tells me this. She reminds me of this. And I will remember it daily....until I wake up with it engrained in my brain, so that it is a part of life I don't even have to think about. Until it is a part of my daily reality. Because what really matters, is that he doesn't matter.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Fancy Faucets
When I left the house I shared with my soon to be exhusband five months ago, the one thing I missed the most was my bathtub. We had bought this old house from my family (MY family) and remodeled. We added a HUGE master bedroom & HUGE master bathroom. I had my own sink. I had counterspace. Separate shower and tub. AND THE TUB......was amazing. Six foot tub, roman faucet...it was beautiful. It was spacious. You ran out of hot water before you could fill it all the way up. I had never had a tub like that before. And loved it. And the week or two after I left, I missed my tub. I missed my custom kitchen cabinets. I missed six drawers for make up and knick knacks. I moved into my parents' rental house on their property. It's old. It's small. (it's free!). And I thought that downsizing into an old house with old brown cabinets (and not many of them) and vinyl flooring (versus custom tile) was going to make the whole divorce process even more difficult. But when my children (who are relatively spoiled) piped up one night, as I was complaining about the lack of kitchen cabinet space, I had to reevaluate my priorities. I say, 'There's not enough space in here' and these 14 year old wise-beyond-their-years children chime in with "Yeah, but there's no yelling....there's no fighting...Just...love...right mom?" WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? I tell you what you say: you agree....wholeheartedly....and you thank GOD your children have the capacity to grasp that and reel you back into reality at the same time. So that fancy faucet....in that fancy tub.....means nothing to me now. I'll take my drama free, non-combative cracked beige tub anyday!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I already skipped a day.....
So...this is typical...I skipped a day already. I said I would log in and type something every single day, even if I just typed "i don't have anything to say". But true to my own form, I didn't. However, let it be known that I did this upfront. There is no need to go about three months of faithful blogging and then skip a day. Can you imagine the disappointment? "She was doing sooooo good!!! Now look at her...She has to start all over." I prefer to show my shortcomings right up front....that way, no one is disappointed later.
This is true in relationships too. I have been separated for five months. I have a multitude of girl friends.... a handful of guy friends. My very best friend and I are going through concurrent breakups. This helps, believe me. So I'm talking to this guy. He's an old friend. (As in, I've known him for a long time, not that he's in a nursing home or what not...) I don't know if I would ever want it to be more nor do I know if he would ever want anything more. But I'm texting w/ him and he gives me some cryptic message (as most guys tend to do). I ask aforementioned BFF about this. She says "JUST ASK HIM WHAT HE MEANS..... ten years from now, you're not going to be trying to figure him out...You're gonna say "GOTDAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN....and by the way, Fix my supper!"
I laughed out loud. After the initial jolt of her even insinuating I would be with this guy ten years from now. But this leads me to a piece of advice that I can give and I hope to hold true to myself. At this point in life, after marriages and divorces, children and friends....BE YOURSELF! What do you have to lose? That person? So be it. We're too old to have to play games and pretend to be something we're not. My Soon-To-Be-Ex would throw this in my face all the time. "When we were dating, you went to car shows with me all the time...You said you liked it..." So what? I was like, 25, and still trying to get a ring, right? I would'a watched live tigers maul baby gazelles if it meant I got that carat! Now? No sir. We all fudge a little, sure. But be careful that these tiny white lies of pacification (is that a word? If not, it should be) do not create a situation that you have to continually perpetuate for the rest of the time you know this person. "Sure I love deep sea fishing"....there's a lifetime of long weekends on a rocky boat, playing hostess to drunk friends and throwing back meds to keep from turning green. "Sure, I've always enjoyed car shows." Now every first weekend in June is spent perusing muscle cars in the hot sun, sweating, and you suddenly have a lifetime subscription to hot rod magazine in YOUR NAME that you can't even discard via divorce.
The point is... I lived my life ten years putting up with things I normally would not put up with. Things I thought were worth it just to be with someone. Fuck that. I want to be with someone who likes me for me. Someone who thinks my idiosyncrasies are cute.... I haven't the time nor the energy at this point to feign interest in body building, fishing, devil worship or RC boat racing. You have your time, I'll have mine. We'll meet in the middle. But know upfront, i procrastinate. I have to shower before bed. I HAVE to. I eat cereal with a fork. I fall asleep to Nick at Nite. I don't have a fingernail on one finger. I don't eat the inside of biscuits. And if I say I will blog everyday, I won't. But I'll do my damndest to come close. And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, that's alright: I'm prolly headed there anyway.
This is true in relationships too. I have been separated for five months. I have a multitude of girl friends.... a handful of guy friends. My very best friend and I are going through concurrent breakups. This helps, believe me. So I'm talking to this guy. He's an old friend. (As in, I've known him for a long time, not that he's in a nursing home or what not...) I don't know if I would ever want it to be more nor do I know if he would ever want anything more. But I'm texting w/ him and he gives me some cryptic message (as most guys tend to do). I ask aforementioned BFF about this. She says "JUST ASK HIM WHAT HE MEANS..... ten years from now, you're not going to be trying to figure him out...You're gonna say "GOTDAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN....and by the way, Fix my supper!"
I laughed out loud. After the initial jolt of her even insinuating I would be with this guy ten years from now. But this leads me to a piece of advice that I can give and I hope to hold true to myself. At this point in life, after marriages and divorces, children and friends....BE YOURSELF! What do you have to lose? That person? So be it. We're too old to have to play games and pretend to be something we're not. My Soon-To-Be-Ex would throw this in my face all the time. "When we were dating, you went to car shows with me all the time...You said you liked it..." So what? I was like, 25, and still trying to get a ring, right? I would'a watched live tigers maul baby gazelles if it meant I got that carat! Now? No sir. We all fudge a little, sure. But be careful that these tiny white lies of pacification (is that a word? If not, it should be) do not create a situation that you have to continually perpetuate for the rest of the time you know this person. "Sure I love deep sea fishing"....there's a lifetime of long weekends on a rocky boat, playing hostess to drunk friends and throwing back meds to keep from turning green. "Sure, I've always enjoyed car shows." Now every first weekend in June is spent perusing muscle cars in the hot sun, sweating, and you suddenly have a lifetime subscription to hot rod magazine in YOUR NAME that you can't even discard via divorce.
The point is... I lived my life ten years putting up with things I normally would not put up with. Things I thought were worth it just to be with someone. Fuck that. I want to be with someone who likes me for me. Someone who thinks my idiosyncrasies are cute.... I haven't the time nor the energy at this point to feign interest in body building, fishing, devil worship or RC boat racing. You have your time, I'll have mine. We'll meet in the middle. But know upfront, i procrastinate. I have to shower before bed. I HAVE to. I eat cereal with a fork. I fall asleep to Nick at Nite. I don't have a fingernail on one finger. I don't eat the inside of biscuits. And if I say I will blog everyday, I won't. But I'll do my damndest to come close. And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, that's alright: I'm prolly headed there anyway.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Day One of 275....
I don't know why I chose today to start a blog. My very best friend in the world told me that the best way to get over this, was to write something everyday. So i bought a note book, and in the five months I've been separated, I have written two (2) entries, which were modest at best. So...I figure even if I never have another human being read this blog, at the very least, I will be accountable to myself.
It is Tuesday, September 1, 2009. My 10th (yes TENTH) wedding anniversary WOULD HAVE BEEN June 3, 2010. That's 9 months, 2 days from today. 275 days. I am not rich and I cannot afford therapy. Therefore, I have decided to make these keys my therapy. Therapy in black and white. I've had a million heartbreaks and read a million books and not a single one of them prepared me for this. So I'ma do this my way. And if in 9 months and 2 days, I am no better off than I am today, I will only have myself (and my stupid ass selfish white trash delusional soon to be exhusband) to blame.
Day One.....I am at work. I have IM'd with my very best friend in the whole world like we do every morning. I have checked facebook. I have worked...on my farmtown farm on facebook. I have piles of work sitting around me and little motivation to execute any plans for doing said work. I haven't the energy to explain, in one dull and boring sweep, why my life is where it is. I think you will see in time the events that unfolded leading me to this very point. In the grand scheme of things, my life is boring and usual. I'm not the only person to go through a divorce and my divorce is not unusally high profile or even noticeable to the outside world. But that is not what matters. What matters is that my divorce is going on in my life, and that is enough to break my heart, on occassion. But i am 36 years old. I have a life to live and a family to take care of. I refuse on any given day, to let this divorce stand in the way of me living my life in whatever way i decide i should. And that...is where this blog begins....and my old life ends....
Renaissance (which i had to google to spell) is rebirth. An awakening. And that is what this is....within the recognition that my life, as i knew it, is over and it is time to rebuild the person i know i still am, deep inside, and couple it with the person i want to be. I want to be happy, most of us do. I want to live my life with no regrets (from this point on) and make peace with any regrets i may have of the past. This is my third divorce (GASP!) and I will not only make it through, but hopefully, 275 days from today, be able to look back and hardly remember being broken.
It is Tuesday, September 1, 2009. My 10th (yes TENTH) wedding anniversary WOULD HAVE BEEN June 3, 2010. That's 9 months, 2 days from today. 275 days. I am not rich and I cannot afford therapy. Therefore, I have decided to make these keys my therapy. Therapy in black and white. I've had a million heartbreaks and read a million books and not a single one of them prepared me for this. So I'ma do this my way. And if in 9 months and 2 days, I am no better off than I am today, I will only have myself (and my stupid ass selfish white trash delusional soon to be exhusband) to blame.
Day One.....I am at work. I have IM'd with my very best friend in the whole world like we do every morning. I have checked facebook. I have worked...on my farmtown farm on facebook. I have piles of work sitting around me and little motivation to execute any plans for doing said work. I haven't the energy to explain, in one dull and boring sweep, why my life is where it is. I think you will see in time the events that unfolded leading me to this very point. In the grand scheme of things, my life is boring and usual. I'm not the only person to go through a divorce and my divorce is not unusally high profile or even noticeable to the outside world. But that is not what matters. What matters is that my divorce is going on in my life, and that is enough to break my heart, on occassion. But i am 36 years old. I have a life to live and a family to take care of. I refuse on any given day, to let this divorce stand in the way of me living my life in whatever way i decide i should. And that...is where this blog begins....and my old life ends....
Renaissance (which i had to google to spell) is rebirth. An awakening. And that is what this is....within the recognition that my life, as i knew it, is over and it is time to rebuild the person i know i still am, deep inside, and couple it with the person i want to be. I want to be happy, most of us do. I want to live my life with no regrets (from this point on) and make peace with any regrets i may have of the past. This is my third divorce (GASP!) and I will not only make it through, but hopefully, 275 days from today, be able to look back and hardly remember being broken.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
