Every person I know has at least one regret. Make that one hundred--Small regrets (i wish i hadn't eaten that jalapeno chili), life altering regrets (i wish i'd never married him), and a multitude of regrets in between. Regret can be handled two ways: either chalk it up to whatever excuse, rationale or justification you can and walk away confident that you will never make such a unscrupulous decision again or wallow in a subterranean abyss of depression and self-loathing, thereby never growing and learning from your past indiscretions, which will lead to a perpetual cyclical depression borne out of repetitive gaffes and blunders (i.e.. feel sorry for yourself and keep making the same mistakes over and over)... So...in an effort to avoid the latter, i will list a few of my biggest regrets, how i have recovered (or am recovering) and what I've learned.
1. I regret ever telling my babies' daddy that I was pregnant. Everytime an issue comes up (late or non-existent child-support payments, cursing at the children, fussing about medications and the lack of need for such) I just think back to that moment, lying in the bathtub, taking his call, and honestly debating on whether or not to go to his house and tell him. Ultimately I went because I thought he would fall in love with me and we would be one big happy family. I was barely 21 and more naive than words can convey. He did marry me, AFTER the twins were born (after all, if it's twins, it must be meant to be). However, his inability to remain monogamous (blow jobs at lunch from his girlfriend), his physical tirades through the house (and much broken furniture along the way) and his excessive daily alcohol consumption (always a 12 pack of Natty Lite in the fridge) made it difficult, even at 23, to justify staying married, even with twins. It has taken many, many years of self-discovery (and tons of therapy from my best friend) to make me realize that those battles, those arguments and stabs at my self-esteem, the yelling, the screaming, the fists through the wall all made me who I am today. I hate to admit that he had any hand (no pun intended) in making me the person I am, but it is true. Being with him made me realize, after the fact, my self-worth and the many things I do and do not want out of love, relationships and life.
2. I regret my second marriage. I want to. I really, really do. But i know better. Even as fresh as it is on my mind, and as painful it is sometimes in my heart, I do not regret it for many of the same reasons listed above. STBX was not always openly an asshole. He was quite the charmer, actually. We had good times, took lots of trips in the beginning and he spoiled me. I did not realize, later, such spoiling would be used against me. He was good to my children in many ways, damaged them in others. I had many material things I thought I couldn't live without and lacked so many intangible things that I, post-separation, realized were essential to my happiness. I was able to stay home with my children until they reached middle school, for which I will forever be grateful. I was able to go back to college and earn my bachelors degree. I refuse to give him any credit whatsoever for my Masters Degree though, because I did that one ALL ON MY OWN. In the end, though, the bad severely outweighed the good, and as much as i want to hate him (maybe I do, I'm not sure) I can't regret the marriage. A decade is a long time to be with a person and I can't justify regretting that much of my life. I learned lessons, just like with the babies' daddy. I am walking away from this mistake a stronger, happier, more grounded woman.
3. I regret not going to college (and subsequently finishing four years later) when I was 18. I did regret this for a long time. I regretted it even as I was back in college at 28. Every night that I was up at midnight typing a research paper or researching the history of vicitmization of women in china, because i had just gotten the kids to bed, dishes washed and laundry folded, I would secretly curse myself for not having done this right after high school. And I did go right after high school, for one quarter. I hated it. I was living with my boyfriend (my parents, that is a whole nother blog!) and college was the last thing on my mind. I was working at a bank as a mortgage loan processor making $8/hour which, at the time, was really good money. Why did I need college. At that time, I assumed I would retire from the bank. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I couldn't even see that far into the future, or at the very least, I didn't care to. Once I did get back to college, though, and I was paying for it (or I will pay for it eventually....thanks, uncle sam) it meant so much more to me. These eighteen year olds would come to class in their pajamas, with a notebook and sometimes with no notebook or pen or pencil or ANYTHING. They would sit there, listening, taking zero notes, and then wonder why they weren't passing at midterm. I, on the other hand, had my notebook, complete with color coded dividers, an array of pens, pencils and highlighters, erasers, mints, vicks vapor inhaler, gum, gem clips, stapler, ruler, thesaurus and dictionary. I took my work seriously and my grades even more serious. I felt like I was, at the very least, setting a good example for my children. Yes, maybe I screwed up at 18 (that may be an understatement for an entirely different reason) but I was rectifying it in my late twenties, while being married and raising four children. It means more, now, than it would have then. I took it more seriously, and I am pursuing even further education. 18 years ago (wow!) I never would have even debated getting a Masters Degree, much less a Ph.D. Postponing, even under false pretense, ended up working in my favor.
So see, sometimes regret can make you see the good in a situation. Regret doesn't always have to be regret. Pick the situation apart, break it down, and try to find the positive and learn from it. Viola! You have yourself a life-lesson and one less regret on the list. . . . .
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