Appropriate Apparitions

I felt it most appropriate that i blog this morning since this will be, thus far, the biggest day in the divorce debacle  (excluding the day i heard the words come out of his mouth as i was driving 80 mph down the interstate.)  Today is our mediation.  In our judicial circuit, a couple must attend a formal mediation within the court before being allowed to go before a judge for a final hearing.  So my attorney (my boss) and I will go to the courthouse today at 10:30 a.m. We will (hopefully as I have requested) be in a separate room from the STBX and his attorney. (I felt early on that if I had to be in the same room as him, I would probably have the urge to slit his throat...honestly there is NO way I could keep my cool. I know this.) The mediator will go into each room, trying to get a feel for what each of us is thinking and then go back and forth trying to come to some sort of compromise. I have already bet my boss $5 that it will be over by noon, with nothing accomplished and we'll goto court on February 10th, just in time for Valentines Day, which, there again, does not bother me cause he wasn't so great with the holidays. I will admit, I got up early...I used my sephora make up kit. I washed and dried my hair, even used mousse (not in that order, of course). I took extra care picking out my outfit. I decided to go with a low cut black shirt, dark jeans and heels. I may not even see him. Most likely, actually, that I won't. But in the rare instance, that i might.... i had to look my best.  No, i don't want him back. No i honestly don't care, at the core, what he thinks. But you never ever ever ever EVER...want your ex to see you and think "OH! That's why we're not together!!!!"  I don't even want him to see me and wish he was with me. I just want him to see me and know that I have moved on, for the most part. Any mourning at this point is for marriage itself. Mourning the loss of a mate, a companion, someone i trusted and loved. That person left long ago and the man I may see this morning has nothing to do with any of that.  He is a shell of a man.  He is hollow inside, nothing to him that has anything to do with me. Every part of me and who i was when I was with him is gone. I am a better person for it. So if and when I see him, I will try my best to remember, that when it takes my breath away, it won't be THAT man. It will be the memory of the man I married, a ghost if you will......Not the man that loved me, not the man that promised me forever. Not the man who thought it was cute when I cried at movies and laughed when i had one of my infamous "cassisms" (like, when i realized that skyscrapers were called that because they were so tall they "scraped the sky"...THAT, my friends, is a Cassism.) That man died years ago. It is the apparition of that man that i dread seeing. But if and when I do,  I will know that I am who I am because I lived it and I lived through it. And nothing he can say or do to me now will ever take that away. The sight of him might take my breath, but that will return in an instant, and I'll keep walking, right past him, head held high, right out of his life forever. Just as it should be. Just the way he wanted it. Perhaps i should even stop and thank him. My life now is so much more than I ever imagined it could be. Thanks to his cowardice, his inept inability to adjust to society, his heartlessness and his blatant disregard for my heart and my feelings. I should thank him for making me realize the person i could and SHOULD be.  I am a better person for having survived the past decade with him. And I will, each day, become an even more amazing person, for surviving decades without him. . . . 

Todays lesson.....Regret.

Every person I know has at least one regret. Make that one hundred--Small regrets (i wish i hadn't eaten that jalapeno chili), life altering regrets (i wish i'd never married him), and a multitude of regrets in between.  Regret can be handled two ways:  either chalk it up to whatever excuse, rationale or justification you can and walk away confident that you will never make such a unscrupulous decision again or wallow in a subterranean abyss of depression and self-loathing, thereby never growing and learning from your past indiscretions, which will lead to a perpetual cyclical depression borne out of repetitive gaffes and blunders (i.e.. feel sorry for yourself and keep making the same mistakes over and over)... So...in an effort to avoid the latter, i will list a few of my biggest regrets, how i have recovered (or am recovering) and what I've learned.

1.  I regret ever telling my babies' daddy that I was pregnant.  Everytime an issue comes up (late or non-existent child-support payments, cursing at the children, fussing about medications and the lack of need for such) I just think back to that moment, lying in the bathtub, taking his call, and honestly debating on whether or not to go to his house and tell him. Ultimately I went because I thought he would fall in love with me and we would be one big happy family. I was barely 21 and more naive than words can convey. He did marry me, AFTER the twins were born (after all, if it's twins, it must be meant to be). However, his inability to remain monogamous (blow jobs at lunch from his girlfriend), his physical tirades through the house (and much broken furniture along the way) and his excessive daily alcohol consumption (always a 12 pack of Natty Lite in the fridge) made it difficult, even at 23, to justify staying married, even with twins.  It has taken many, many years of self-discovery (and tons of therapy from my best friend) to make me realize that those battles, those arguments and stabs at my self-esteem, the yelling, the screaming, the fists through the wall all made me who I am today.  I hate to admit that he had any hand (no pun intended) in making me the person I am, but it is true. Being with him made me realize, after the fact, my self-worth and the many things I do and do not want out of love, relationships and life.

2.  I regret my second marriage.  I want to. I really, really do. But i know better. Even as fresh as it is on my mind, and as painful it is sometimes in my heart, I do not regret it for many of the same reasons listed above.  STBX was not always openly an asshole. He was quite the charmer, actually.  We had good times, took lots of trips in the beginning and he spoiled me. I did not realize, later, such spoiling would be used against me. He was good to my children in many ways, damaged them in others. I had many material things I thought I couldn't live without and lacked so many intangible things that I, post-separation, realized were essential to my happiness. I was able to stay home with my children until they reached middle school,  for which I will forever be grateful. I was able to go back to college and earn my bachelors degree. I refuse to give him any credit whatsoever for my Masters Degree though, because I did that one ALL ON MY OWN.  In the end, though, the bad severely outweighed the good, and as much as i want to hate him (maybe I do, I'm not sure) I can't regret the marriage. A decade is a long time to be with a person and I can't justify regretting that much of my life.  I learned lessons, just like with the babies' daddy.  I am walking away from this mistake a stronger, happier, more grounded woman.

3.  I regret not going to college (and subsequently finishing four years later) when I was 18.  I did regret this for a long time. I regretted it even as I was back in college at 28.  Every night that I was up at midnight typing a research paper or researching the history of vicitmization of women in china, because i had just gotten the kids to bed, dishes washed and laundry folded, I would secretly curse myself for not having done this right after high school.  And I did go right after high school, for one quarter. I hated it. I was living with my boyfriend (my parents, that is a whole nother blog!) and college was the last thing on my mind.  I was working at a bank as a mortgage loan processor making $8/hour which, at the time, was really good money.  Why did I need college. At that time, I assumed I would retire from the bank.  Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I couldn't even see that far into the future, or at the very least, I didn't care to. Once I did get back to college, though, and I was paying for it (or I will pay for it eventually....thanks, uncle sam) it meant so much more to me.  These eighteen year olds would come to class in their pajamas, with a notebook and sometimes with no notebook or pen or pencil or ANYTHING. They would sit there, listening, taking zero notes, and then wonder why they weren't passing at midterm. I, on the other hand, had my notebook, complete with color coded dividers, an array of pens, pencils and highlighters, erasers, mints, vicks vapor inhaler, gum, gem clips, stapler, ruler, thesaurus and dictionary. I took my work seriously and my grades even more serious. I felt like I was, at the very least, setting a good example for my children.  Yes, maybe I screwed up at 18 (that may be an understatement for an entirely different reason) but I was rectifying it in my late twenties, while being married and raising four children. It means more, now, than it would have then. I took it more seriously, and I am pursuing even further education.  18 years ago (wow!) I never would have even debated getting a Masters Degree, much less a Ph.D.  Postponing, even under false pretense, ended up working in my favor.

So see, sometimes regret can make you see the good in a situation. Regret doesn't always have to be regret. Pick the situation apart, break it down, and try to find the positive and learn from it. Viola! You have yourself a life-lesson and one less regret on the list. . . . .

Facebook Closure

Facebook has become a way of life. Social networking:  friends, colleagues, family members even pets have their own facebook pages.  I've seen facebook status wars between friends, lovers, spouses. It is the ultimate social mechanism to either bring people closer (family for instance) or rip them apart (petty fake friendships and backstabbing bitches). It has become a social status among your peers. There is no worse slap in the face in 2010 than to be blocked.  Being deleted as a friend is the new caller ID. So when my socially inept STBX got a facebook page, i knew it would be on. And it was. Friendships fell apart, status wars engaged, and the blocking began. Not just me but my friends. My dog. My mom. Everyone was blocked except who he deemed worthy enough to view his page. Well apparently when facebook underwent their new privacy overhaul, some people did not go in and properly change things. I've been able to see lots of good things and get copious amounts of dirt on other people. Then, this past Friday, I happened upon his page. And I tell you, I did NOT look for it. I was led there, somehow, clicking here and there and suddenly, there it was before me. His profile pic: the one I took of him in Florida on our family vacation. He looks so carefree and fun and happy.... Who wouldn't want to be this guys friend? Or girlfriend? Or WIFE? Or babysitter. Or social graces nazi. Or maid. I tell you I sat there and read every word, every comment, looked at every picture. I cried. Then I was mad. Then indignant. Then sad again. My heart ached and I wondered how he could be so happy without me? He went caving. Really? REALLY? I couldn't get that stupid motherfucker up off that couch to take out the trash or go to a movie, unless there was food involved. And he went caving. What the holy hell fuck was going on? His pictures looked so....normal. Standing there like he was just fine. Happy even. What a stupid motherfucker. I called my best friend. Not available. So I call my friend who was there during the previous separation (and unfortunately reconciliation). She talked me through it. Talked me off the ledge. Let me cry. We made fun of him and laughed. She let me cry some more. Then she reminded me .... of how miserable i was, even FIVE YEARS AGO. And how scared I was of him, at times. And i looked at those pictures again of his ill-mannered children, camping and caving....and I remembered, right in that moment: i didn't want to be a part of that.  This divorce is good. His life is happy, sure. He doesn't have any rules and neither do his children. Who isn't happy when there is no opposition? So I'ma let him just have that "fun". And I'm going to remember, "fun" is relative. So is happiness. I'm happy, in my way, according to my standards, which he never lived up to. So no need to block me, STBX....I've seen all i need to.

Little moments.....

No, not sweet little moments like the Brad Paisley song....but little moments like....you're standing unsuspecting and your boss walks in and says "I saw STBX's mom in court today. She said she was really sad you guys didn't work things out." Okay, i'ma hafta call "bullshit" on that one! She hated me and that was just fine cause i hated her too. She was just like his first ex-wife--they were a match made in heaven (the mother in law and ex-wife, that is.) Trashy to the core, no morals, no manners, no mind!  So i hear this come out of my boss' mouth yesterday, and I'm trying to remember now the sequence of events.  As i said, i immediately called bullshit. But my heart wasn't racing. I wasn't sick to my stomach. I was slightly disgusted that thetrashy whore of an ex-mother-in-law would walk around town even uttering my name. How dare she! But then I thought, in the grand scheme of things, why do I care? Initially, sure, because i despise her. But what is it to me, that she even acknowledges me, even if she's trying to use our acquaintance to her advantage (by getting her mid-life-mistake son out of a speeding ticket). And yet, it irritates me. Now I realize, the mere existence of that entire family irritates me. Him, his mom, his children (bad, i know).  And because I stood in that gazebo, and took those vows, in front of God and my family and friends, I will, forever, have little moments.  Even exes from my teenage years can still conjure the slightest butterfly, whether good, bad or indifferent. So no matter where I end  up, during or after this blog, (unless i move to Hawaii or the Virgin Islands) I am going to see him, his family, his friends and/or his children.  He is a part of me, whether I like it or not. And I don't have to like it. Just like I am positive he does not like it that I will forever be a part of him.  We thought we knew what we were doing, he was an asshole, it's over.  Seems simple enough. Thank GOD we don't have children together. This link is tragic enough. But whatever happens, whenever I see him and/or his click o' gorillas, those little moments will be just milliseconds in my life that, someday, i probably won't even remember.  My dreams and my goals and my entire life are all bigger than any memory he has ever been a part of.

Quietly in the night.....

I was, for once, all excited about New Years Eve, with the exception of the sprained ankle that is causing me significant pain 24/7.  I invited a few girlfriends over, rustled up some jambalaya, hummus, pita chips, cashews and pimento cheese.  We had three HUGE bottles of wine, Phase Ten cards and Friends Scene It.  We were ON!!! My weenie dog was decked out in her NYE beads and hat.  We laughed and joked and played cards and drank copious amounts of wine.  It was a GREAT night. And we counted down the New Year with an ever aging Dick Clark (it was pitiful, wasn't it?) After the ball dropped in Times Square, we rallied another game of Friends Scene It (I won all of them by the way) and we cleaned up and went to bed. Asleep by one a.m. I thought it was a perfectly wonderful New Years Eve. New Years Day, I went into town, saw a movie and on the way home realized, I'd made it through New Years Eve with not even so much as a THOUGHT about STBX.  I didn't wonder where he was, or if he was at home, or who he might be ringing in the new year with. It NEVER ..... CROSSED..... MY.....MIND. Until the day after. Which i thought was major progress!!!! And even when I DID think about it, I was relatively apathetic.  Because he wasn't with me, dragging me out of some party, yelling and me or being an asshole. No, that is someone's problem now, although I'm sure those attributes haven't shown up yet; it takes a couple of years.  And I'm already more okay at this point than I ever dreamed I'd be.  So imagine, June 3, 2010, how far along I will have come.  Bring it on, I say. I'm ready for 2010!!!!