What a difference a year makes....

This time last year, I had just (and I mean JUST) returned from a week in Europe with my gay uncle, first class thanks to his Platinum Sky Miles partner.  It was an amazing week that words can not even describe! We had the best time ever. In the back of my mind, however, there loomed a darkening shadow of doubt and dread. I had not spoken more than a few words to my husband the day I left for Europe.  We did not talk the entire week I was gone. I had gone back and forth trying to decide the best thing for me and my children in the weeks before the trip. And I decided upon pulling out of my driveway, that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I was not going to screw it up by worrying about HIM. So I didn't. Yes, I felt a twinge here and there through out the trip.  Yes, I was disappointed when I checked my email to find NOTHING from him. But it was not totally unexpected. Even the flight back home was unencumbered by the dread. I still remember the mimosas and warm mixed nuts, the TV shows and movies. I did not dare sleep on either the trip there or back because when in the WORLD would I ever be flying first class EVER again? I wanted to savor every minute of it.  Once I was back in my car, though, the dread set in heavily and hastily.  I drove home not knowing what to expect. I don't even remember coming home really except that it was late and I did not really speak to anyone. I showered and crawled into bed with my pups and went to sleep. The next morning, Friday, March 27, 2009, I got up to get my stepdaughter off to school.  She saw me, and did not speak.  I knew then that things were over, I just did not want to admit it. He and I talked that night and agreed that we needed a month or two apart to get the kids back in line. My children resented him for his temper and favoritism to his own children. His children resented me because I expected them to act like human beings and not heathens. We cried, we had sex, we slept. The next day we went to town and bought some things that I would need to start my own household. It should have been a huge flashing neon sign to me that i was excited! We started getting things set up and I spent the night at my old house one last time. True to form, he sat on the couch, watching TV and playing on the computer until after midnight (PATTERN) and I was asleep by the time he got into bed.  I never dreamed that the last time would have been the last time. But it was.  And the thought of him even touching me now makes me want to vomit! But within 48 hours of my return to the states, I had separated from my husband and was living with my children in my own home, just five or six houses down the road from him.  It was my conception, you understand, that this was a separation to get back on our feet. Within a week he told me he wanted a divorce. I analyzed and overanalyzed that seven days and what could have possibly changed his mind.  I gave every excuse from another woman, to his children to his homosexuality.  It was only in retrospect I was able to admit, for whatever reason, that maybe he was just happier without me. I was most certainly happier without him. I do not, even to this day, believe that at the core of the situation, he was happier without ME. That is just not plausible. (Hee hee). But happier without my rules binding his children? Most definitely. If there are no rules, there is no conflict. And this man is always happier with no conflict (unless I'm involved, apparently).  Happier without obligation and responsibility to another human being and/or children who were not biologically his? Absolutely.  And that's fine.  Sure, I struggle financially and I am struggling raising two teenage boys just in general.  God knows their biological father does not help (that's a whole-nother blog).  But at the end of the day, when everything is tallied up and accounted for...I am happier, so MUCH happier, on any given day, than I was one year ago today.  Am I stressed about court on Wednesday? Of course. Am I ready for things to be over with? You have no idea. Good, bad or ugly, I just want the closure. I can deal with no car, no insurance or whatever else I have to deal with but i cannot deal with the unknown.  Things were "unknown" and "uncertain" to me long before a year ago.  But this past year has been weighted down, even if slightly or abstractly, by the unknown.  And sure, I now have my own sew set of "unknowns" to deal with.  But I will deal with them. And I know that I am the person I am because of the things that life has thrown my way and trudged my way through and came out on the other side a better person. A stronger woman. Determined to be happy.  And being happy today...so much happier 365 days later, well.... that is a testament to the rest of my life. It can only get better from here!