Progress?

So I have spent the last week thinking about my marriage (or lack thereof).  As the time passes, it becomes easier to live without him and to take his memory with a grain of salt. Is that right? Is that even what I meant to say??? Regardless, thinking about him, or even saying his name in reference to a past event is not really a BFD anymore. That's progress. 

It's also progress that, in the situation I am in now with NB, that I can reflect back on somethings that maybe I did wrong in the marriage.  I'm not admitting ANYTHING, but I can, in retrospect, see somethings that were whiny/bitchy/fussy/spoiled.  However, he knew these things about me BEFORE he married me.  I did NOT know about his anger/temper/lying when I married him.  So he knew I was w/b/f/s but married me in spite of that, probably thinking it was endearing in the beginning, then as the bitterness grew, I'll bet all that wasn't so cute anymore. Funny, I'm trying to remember what was endearing about him?!?!? Oh, yeah, he enabled my spoiledness.  Yeah, that's about it.  Nothing about him was endearing at the end. 

But what worries me ... is that i am exactly 3 months away from the end of this blog.  And yes, I have come a long way.  I was devastated in September when I started this, even more so in April before I ever dreamed of the blog.  And I'm doing okay.  But what did I mean to accomplish by this blog? And what if I have NOT accomplished it come June 3, 2010.   I guess in my heart I KNOW I have made enough progress to justify this blog and vice versa.  So at the core of the issue:  What if I show up in court on March 31st, seeing him for the first time in a YEAR, and I lose it? Or I backslide and lose a year of progress in one day? That's my concern. I don't know how to combat it. I don't know how to prepare for it any way other than how I already have. So what if it was all for naught? Well, I suppose I will do like every other time in my life and pull myself up by my bootstraps and trudge on through, starting over and working my way to a healing place. Just like I always have. I may not like it. I may not admit it. But I will survive it. And in the end, I suppose that is all that matters. At least, that's what Gloria Gaynor said.