Wednesday, I will be in court for my final divorce hearing. I have no idea what is going to happen. I do know that I got my hair cut and colored last weekend. I have to get a pedi and some new sandals. I am printing off papers and emails and taxes, etc.... these are the aforementioned ducks that I am getting in a row. My head? My heart? Well, those I'm not sure about. Let me be frank: I despise him to his core. This does not, however, excuse any emotion I am trying to prepare myself to feel. He is a stupid summbitch (as we say here in the south) and I hope he chokes on a ham sandwich. Seriously.
I am trying to prepare myself for every scenerio which, i do realize, is impossible. I have not physically seen him in a year. How do you spend ten years with someone and wake up one day and never see them again? This is what happened. And now i have to see him, face to face, in the same room, arguing over money which is so apropos because that's what we did most of the time anyway. This time, the judge will decide. And no matter how nervous I feel, I keep trying to remind myself that the outcome is what it is regardless of my level of anxiety or worry.
I saw the outline of him outside this weekend. I felt nothing. I miss my dog more than I miss him (the one who pees all over everything and I therefore lost custody of in the separation. He'd already peed all over everything at the old house.) I miss my dog and I even sometimes miss my stepdaughter. Life is much less complicated nonetheless.
Wednesday is going to be about survival and dealing with whatever the judge rules. It could go in my favor, or not. Regardless, I have to do what I have to do to get by. And if I can't deal, well one very true friend will be there to hold me together, at least until I am out of his sight range. I just worry about getting him out of hers: She'll be packing, and she'd shank him as readily as I would.
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