Big surprise: i don't do well with uncertainty. I don't like things to be "up in the air." I like to have a plan. I like to know what's going on, what's happening, what the deal is. The big joke with my parents is that I could never enjoy what what happening at any given moment because i was so worried about what was going to happen next. We're at lunch, where are we going after this? We're at Six Flags. What are we going to do when we leave? I would like to argue that is an exaggeration, but doubtful. It's probably right on target. And right now, uncertainty is abound!
My divorce: when will it be final? What will I get? Will he pay for the car? What will the judge say? How will I plan for my finances until I know the answer to these (and many other) questions? What will I wear to court? What will he be wearing? Will he look nice? Has he lost weight? Will his girlfriend be there? All excellent questions that are floating in my brain constantly.
The guy I'm seeing: (yes, i admitted it.) Is he happy? What are we doing? Should we label this? What's going to happen? He's at my house certainly. He does all the right things certainly. But everytime he walks out the door, a small part of me wonders if he's coming back. No, we don't talk about it. No we don't label it. Should we? He's not divorced yet and neither am i!?!?! So in a sense, it's easier to let uncertain dogs lie.... And that is just what I have decided to do. I really like him, and I care for him,. And we have the BEST time together. I'll admit--he started as a band-aid and somewhere along the way amid laughing, talking, cuddling and orgasms, I lost control of the situation only to wake up one day and realize somehow, we'd passed the band-aid stage altogether and i had no idea. . . .That being said, I have no idea what that means, where it's going or even where I want it to go beyond this moment. And it's safe and uncertain all in the same moment. I can't even comprehend how that could be.
School--will i get accepted as a doctoral candidate? How tough is it going to be? Will I be able to balance work, school, family, friends, etc...Un-fucking-certainty.
I get it, there are no guarantees. I was married more than once, promised to love til death do we part. Maybe til death do we part is an emotional death, a spiritual death, the death of the union of the two people getting married, i don't know. Because all my exes are alive and kicking (unfortunately in some cases).There is no guarantee we will wake up the next morning, nor any guarantee we will live to see bedtime each night. That is enough to drive me crazy. There is no guarantee ones significant other isn't going to cheat, lie, steal, murder... No guarantee that, no matter how hard you try, your children will grow up to be strong, willful independent intelligent young men and women who will make a difference in the world.
All of this may explain my intermittent meltdowns. Between my children becoming full-fledged teenage boys, their father, my soon to be ex, my job, school, and my family, it's no wonder.... but what bothers me more than what is on the surface, is the crystal ball. It should be easy to let go of something so obviously out of my hands, and I really do try. But I get caught up in it all and i honestly have to remind myself, it is what it is, and worrying isn't going to change a damn thing. . . .
School--will i get accepted as a doctoral candidate? How tough is it going to be? Will I be able to balance work, school, family, friends, etc...Un-fucking-certainty.
I get it, there are no guarantees. I was married more than once, promised to love til death do we part. Maybe til death do we part is an emotional death, a spiritual death, the death of the union of the two people getting married, i don't know. Because all my exes are alive and kicking (unfortunately in some cases).There is no guarantee we will wake up the next morning, nor any guarantee we will live to see bedtime each night. That is enough to drive me crazy. There is no guarantee ones significant other isn't going to cheat, lie, steal, murder... No guarantee that, no matter how hard you try, your children will grow up to be strong, willful independent intelligent young men and women who will make a difference in the world.
All of this may explain my intermittent meltdowns. Between my children becoming full-fledged teenage boys, their father, my soon to be ex, my job, school, and my family, it's no wonder.... but what bothers me more than what is on the surface, is the crystal ball. It should be easy to let go of something so obviously out of my hands, and I really do try. But I get caught up in it all and i honestly have to remind myself, it is what it is, and worrying isn't going to change a damn thing. . . .
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