Good Riddance (The time of your life....)

This is one of my favorite songs.  I discovered it, oddly enough, during the last couple of episodes of Seinfeld, when they did a music montage of clips from the seasons of the show, bloopers and behind the scenes.  Lyrics are as follows:

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It seems odd to base your life on a GreenDay song, but this one is utterly apropos.  Life: it is what it is. Take it for what it's worth, nothing more, nothing less, learn your lesson and move on.  This is how I will approach 2009, going into 2010.  I learned lessons about trust, and who not to. I learned that forever isn't always forever, and no one means what they say and says what they mean all the time. Life is unpredictable and with just a few words, everything that you think you know can change. "I want a divorce."  "I'm pregnant."  "I have a gay lover named Manny." (only the first of those applied to my situation, mind you....) 

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life...."  I can fully agree with the first part: the divorce was unpredictable. Even though it was thrown up in each others faces on a regular basis, I never thought we would go through with it. But here we are. In the end, it IS right. I knew that 9 months ago. But I couldn't admit it. I couldn't imagine that I would be sitting here, typing these words nonchalantly referring to the dissolution of my decade long marriage to the man that was supposed to be my soul mate. But I don't think I had the time of my life, at least not ala Baby & Johnny.  I have good memories, towards the beginning but I still maintain I should have never let him come home five years ago when we separated. But I was broke. And that is the God's honest truth: broke and close to finishing my undergrad degree. Sure, I'd be well over it all by now. But I see those last five years as character building, making me into the person I have become.  Those last five years gave me guidelines and goals, things I know I want, and Don't want, for that matter.... My life is great. It's going to be even better. I'm having the time of my life now. And in the years to come. I fully believe that. Sure things are hard at times. Money is the worst! But as Gloria Gaynor so eloquently put it, I will survive!!!! And not only will I survive, I'll do it with a little grace, a lot of laughs, and the most eclectic group of amazing friends you can imagine! At the fork, I took the road less traveled: the road that wasn't easy and wasn't mapped out.  My life is unpredictable at best, and that scares the shit out of me.  But one day I will look back over another ten years gone by and I will think, "Wow! I had the time of my life!!!" And for what's it's worth, it was worth all the while........

Old Land Sign......

Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind ?

Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and old lang syne ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

Wikipedia says: "To days(or times) gone by" may be modern-day expressions, in common use as toasts, that capture the spirit of "for auld lang syne". Although the song begins with a question whether old times should be forgotten, the song is generally interpreted as a call to remember long standing friendships.

I have lots of friends. Wait. I have lots of acquaintances. I have a good many friends. I have several true friends. I have one "call her if you found a dead hooker in your room" friend.  This friend and I were just discussing the other day the Jim Carey movie where he erases a woman from his memory, and we wondered....Is there anyone who would erase us?  On the surface, there are plenty of people i would erase. However, I believe we decided the catch here is that if you erase a person, you erase all memories that person was ever in any way attached to, even memories you merely told that person. Well that changes the whole ballgame. Just like everything else in life, there's a catch. So ultimately we decided we would not erase anyone for fear of repercussions and alterations to time and place and present.  But if there were no repercussions.....

This song has two significances in my life.  The first one is the Dan Folgeberg song "Same old lang syne".  I remember this song growing up and always kind of liked it.  Aforementioned best friend took it upon herself last year or maybe the year before to "dissect" this song and analyze it in her Christmas Song/Meaning blog, much to the dismay of a couple of die-hard D. F. lovers who read her blog.  That blog is one of my favorites of all time and in spite of it, I still love this song: it is "supposed" to be a Christmas Song, and i associate it with Christmas, but in all honesty, she and I put it on our "Top Ten Xmas Songs That Shouldn't Be Xmas Songs". (Possible Blog to Follow). 

The second signifcance of this song is in the movie Sex in the City.  If you've never heard that version, you must at least once.  It's somewhat Celticky (not really a word, i suppose) and perhaps out of the context of the movie it may not appeal even to me, but at that point in the movie, I could identify with the song, the movie, and life.  Miranda has said goodbye to her son as he leaves with his father (from whom she is separated because men are innately incapable of monogamy) and she is left to stand against the door in her apartment alone, on New Years Eve, looking at the Christmas tree.  She calls Carrie who, depressed and inwardly mourning the loss of Mr. Big and the life he was supposed to give her, has gone to bed early.  Carrie offers to come over, seemingly out of obligation and Miranda declines. They hang up and vow to talk the next day.  Moments later, clad in the most ridiculous get up even for Carrie Bradshaw, Carrie is trekking through the city, making her way to Miranda to share the midnight hour (cue the song). Miranda opens the door and Carrie has made it just in time.  This symbolizes so much in my life, especially right now.

This will be my first Christmas since the divorce, and let me qualify this with the fact that this will be the best Christmas ever, especially without STBX.  Yeah, money is tight. Yeah, I've had to figure out how to even get a couple of presents for each kid and yeah, my checking account is overdrawn for a THIRD time in a month. But I have my kids (frustrating as they can be), I have my family (overbearing as they can be) and I have my friends. My friends are the best. And that's where Miranda and Carrie come in.  My best friend has been going through as tough a time as me, if not worse, the past year herself. And still she has stood by me, encouraged me, and even told me to shut the fuck up a time or two.  She is my conscience and she is my rock. I know that sounds cliche, but there is no other way to describe it.  She is the best friend. Ever.  Another friend has been with me, every possible weekend, from the moment i moved into my new house, keeping my mind occupied, drinking coffee, swimming in my parents' pool and becoming a  huge part of my life. She is so annoying sometimes, but she has been a huge part of my recovery and i could never thank her enough.  Yet another friend, another rock, has helped me financially on more than one occasion, and she is as broke as me.  I'm pretty sure I owe her HUNDREDS if not more.  But she has listened to me whine, fuss and cry. She bought me a margarita the night I found out my STBX actually wanted a divorce.  It seemed so painful that night, but she got me liquored up and drove me around listening to straight up gangsta rap.  Don't knock it. It may be the reason I didn't die of heartbreak.

All of that being said, 2010 is going to be my year. It is going to be a year of accomplishment in knowing that at the end of this blog, on June 3, 2010, I made it with minimal scars and minimal heartache. It's going to be the year of slowing down, smelling daisies (cause i don't like roses) and soul searching. I'm going to live my life and love my friends and family and most importantly, myself. Because if I don't love me, how can I expect anyone else to?

Resolutions.....

In light of the impending new year, I would like to list my top five resolutions for 2010. 

1.  The obligatory, lose weight resolution.  Well, sure. I wanna lose weight. I'd love to be about two sizes smaller, which would still be plus size, but plus on the lower end, not higher end.  Sure, I've made peace with myself and my weight, and I'm relatively happy with myself. But I'd be happier (and sluttier, probably) if I lost about forty pounds. That requires exercise, though, and I am a firm advocate AGAINST exerting energy. So we'll see. 

2.  Saving more.  I want to believe that henceforth, I will put 10% of my paycheck and 50% of my child support into my savings account each time i receive them. It would be more likely to believe 10% and 25% respectively, but either way, probably only like, once every two or three months. Regardless, it is my resolution to TRY. 

3.  Less Computer time.  I have become one of those people who needs constant entertaining and stimulation and I get this via computer.  If I have facebook up, I have to check it every 120 seconds.  If my email is up, I refresh like every four minutes.  What in the WORLD could have happened in that amount of time? Just now, i reached over and checked to see if I had a text message.  For some reason, I believe the world is so centered around me, that in some way and by some means, someone has to interact with me at every moment of my life. I gotta stop that. It's utterly annoying! 

4.  More family time.  See above. Nuff Said. 

5.  Here's the biggie:  Don't sweat the small stuff ... the big stuff...any of the stuff. I started this blog because of my divorce and the subsequent healing process. In the midst of all that healing and what not, there are a million other factors that come into play in my life: job, family, teenagers, dog, men, etc... So what I'm trying to do (thanks, zoloft) is not sweat much of anything.  So many things are beyond my control and it does me no good to just "lose it" over every little thing.  That being said, if I don't lose it over every little thing, then i don't feel nearly as bad when I DO lose it over something justifiably worth losing it over! 

So we shall see.  Lots of changes happening, lots of things to look forward to.  2010 will be the year of not much traveling but that's ok. 2009 was the year of never staying home, so that should all even out. I have much to be thankful for and I'm relatively content (no kudos, please; it's only because no one is rocking my boat right now).  Here's to 2010 and possibly making good on at least 33% of my resolutions.

This Christmas....will be.....

This Christmas will be, if nothing less, a Christmas of lessons learned.  It will be about appreciating the things that really matter and hopefully focusing on family and not loot. This isn't because I have any great morals or anything, it's because I'm broke. This is my first Christmas in ten years on my own with these two fourteen year old boys.  And I have tried very hard the past nine months to keep this divorce from causing them to suffer.  I have eaten peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, or even had no lunch at all, to be sure they had enough food to eat at dinner or even to be sure they had bookfair money.  I'm not saying this to get a pat on the back, i'm saying this to make it evident the changes in my lifestyle over the past year.  Usually my STBX has a $2400 christmas club check that we got around November. Christmas was a fun time of buying all those presents for people that I knew they'd never buy themselves. This Christmas is crunching numbers, prioritizing and seeing who I can cross off the list altogether. This past Friday I got paid.  The only thing I really really wanted to get my children was a bigger television set for the living room, which would double as a gift because I could then give one of my kids the living room t.v. and he could use it in his room.  So I crunch the numbers, call in a favor to my mom (so i can not pay the cell or electric bill) and I take my check to town, do a little comparative shopping, and by god I come home with a decent enough t.v.  I know they will love it, and i know they will be excited. But shifting money and bills around isn't what Christmas SHOULD be about. But this year it is. I said that to say this: Even so, that worry is by far a "better worry" than the worries I had this time last year.  There's nothing like a divorce (or any major change in life, I suppose) to put things into perspective for you. My perspective is this:  You can crunch numbers, but you can't buy happiness. Happiness is free, you just have to know where to shop.

She told me this would happen......

My best friend...is all knowing and all seeing...at least, that is the way I see it.  I cannot begin to tell you the number of ledges she has talked me off of. Nor can i tell you the number of relationships, family or otherwise, that she has saved. She has stood by me through the most ridiculous situations, times when she knew i was fucking up, but chose to let me make my own mistakes.  We've come a long way, the two of us.  We are brutally honest with one another when it's called for.  And when I realized that separation from my husband was a possibility, she did everything she could to make me work it out.  And not because she wanted me to be miserable or she just didn't want to deal...and not because she is some religious freak who doesn't believe in divorce.  She knew that the day would come when i would look back and wonder if i had jumped ship too early.  And she wanted me to know beyond any fathomable doubt, that i had done anything and everything in my power to make that marriage work.  Because she knows we both have enough regrets and she didn't want one more lingering overhead. I followed her advice, I read her suggested books. I searched my heart and soul and did everything she asked. And you know what? No...Regret.  Sure I miss the man I married, but that man has been gone for YEARS. And I sometimes miss having someone to talk to or cook with or lay next to at night.  But with freedom comes those little adjustments. And I think I've adjusted just fine. Which brings me to her next premonition which has come to fruition. (I like that, even if it's not exactly plausible in that particular sentence).  She told me...there would come a day....when i forgot all about the mens...and started concentrating on myself, that I would have so many I wouldn't be able to keep them straight.  Given my current physical makeup (chunky to say the least) i doubted her on more than one occasion. But dammit if she wasn't right.  They are coming out of the woodwork and proving this doubting Thomas WRONG.  Old boyfriends, new acquaintances, friends of friends.... they're everywhere. And thanks to the advent of Facebook, they're all even more accessible.  However, also more easily confused.  When you have three chats with three men pulled up, you'd better know who you're talking to and what you've typed before you hit that send button!  My bff jokingly says the best way to get over one man is to get under another.  Sure, it's not a permanent fix, merely a bandaid.  And i do not recommend just anyone getting under just any guy.  But the one guy i'm under is taking the pressure off the divorce and that's good. Said divorce is still pending and i'm just going with the flow for now. Sure the shit is gonna hit the fan eventually, in more ways than one, but when it does, there will be another pick me up, just like she says there will be.  Whether it is a man, a friend, a dog or cat, a good book, a movie or utter and complete silence, at some point, after you move out, and you're trying to move on, you will find serenity where you least expect it. I know this...because she told me so.