Speechless....

But not wordless. Many times I find myself with nothing to say but plenty to type...or vice versa.  Trying to narrow down a subject to talk about is like trying to decide which color Coach purse to buy. "D. All of the above."   But today I wanted to share a website that my best friend shared with me.  http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/  It is a great site where this guy has started collecting postcards that random people send in with a secret written on it.  It has always interested me, somehow, which secrets he chooses to publish.  Some are funny, some are mean, some are downright heartwrenching.  I like picking out which secret could be mine and.or my best friends. Sometimes I'll send her a copy of one and say "IS THIS YOU???"  But a recurring theme in these secrets....regret....and remorse.  Like, one woman this week who pressured her husband to eat at a restuaruant he didn't like then he died later that night.  Okay. Terrible for her, i know. But the ones that touch me the most are ones of lost loves, lost family....things people should have done but didn't. And it always makes me stop and wonder, what am I sorry for? Plenty.  I'm sorry I took cash from my grandfathers store to buy dinner when i worked there as a teenager. I'm sorry i didn't spend more time with them when my children were toddlers. I'm sorry I had to learn the hard way about getting my education and now I'm in debt w/ the federal government for three times my annual salary.  I could have/should have been a better daughter, wife, friend, mother, employee, student.  But i wasn't. And honestly what is going to change now? I have no secret to mail into post secret. My deepest darkest are all already known by my best friend.  And sometimes reading all those secrets, I wonder...is anyone sorry for me? To me? About me? Is there anyone in the universe who thinks to themselves that they are sorry that they did/witnessed/had knowledge of  such-n-such that had to do with me......Honestly, It hasn't been very long since my separation. And I'm already waiting for the apology. I'm sure it will be a long time coming, if it ever comes at all. And maybe I have some apologizing to do myself.  Maybe it doesn't make a hill of beans if people apologize after the fact or not. But today, I think I might not feel like I wasted those ten years of my life, if I thought he was at least a little sorry for the way he treated me.  But in comparison to some of those words....on some of those postcards....my regret...my remorse...or either of those I might ever get from him....pales in comparison to addiction....losing a loved one....a child, a mother or father.  But What I'm going through is real enough to me. Real enough that I can cry, if I need to.  Or call my best friend and fuss if I need to.  In the grand scheme of things, it's no Post Secret.  But it's my heartbreak. And I'll deal with it in an appropriate manner, whether that's a 3 x 5 postcard.... or 8 1/2 x 11 divorce papers. . . Or both.

Typical Lapse

Well how truly typical of me to have gone weeks (is that right??) without posting? This was supposed to be my therapy and like all other therapy, i've taken it half-assed.  When i post, i do it whole-heartedly. But it's the lack of consistency that is the issue here.  I found myself in a downward spiral today....and it dawned on me that perhaps if i was blogging, like i am SUPPOSED to be then not only would i be sending M.D.H.'s to my bff, i would also not be fantasizing, romanticizing and altogether redrawing memories in my brain about what coulda/shoulda/woulda been. i don't know why women do this.  When something we KNOW we should let go of haunts us, instead of running in the other directions, we savor every last "i love you" we heard, every last touch ...or memory...or joke or pet name..... WE KNOW BETTER. We know we can under no circumstances, ever recreate the man he used to be, the fun we used to have, the jokes we used to share. Because everytime he calls you a pet name, you wonder what pet name he's calling his new girlfriend, or the girlfriend he was seeing while he was with you. Every word....out of his mouf, would have to be questionable.  Does he mean it? Because he said he meant it ten years ago. Or three years ago. Or six months ago. And now look where we are! ?!?!  No, my STBX has not come back, hasn't made contact other than business purposes, hasn't apologized, hasn't realized i was the best thing that ever happened to him. He's too busy wallowing in his pit of self-pity and woe to come to terms with any of the aforementioned.  (side note: my best friend swears to me all of these things will happen one day, whether i am around to see it or not. I fucking hope so.) 
All of this lingering in the past was triggered by what is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. Disney World. I love ... DW.  I would work there, live there, whatever. It makes me happy. Period. The magic kingdom, specifically.  And unfortunately for me, this is something that he and i shared. Multiple times. We went on our honeymoon there. We took our kids there. This trip was, for me, initially about taking my kids WITHOUT him or his kids. I wanted that experience.  Then it occurs to me, perhaps this is my chance to make my own memories of Disney that do not include him.  While I was attempting this, I kept finding myself remembering....'awww ... that's where we stayed..."  "awww. i remember the first time we rode that and I was scared and he soothed me".... "Awww...i remember when we had to put gas in the car...."  WTF???? I had to snap out of that QUICKLY! These are MY memories. Memories HE CHOSE not to be a part of anymore. HE CHOSE to become the person he is. HE CHOSE to not want to be married to me anymore. So from now on, it's me, Micky, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, Pluto...and so on...but not him. Not anymore. This is just the beginning of my life without him. I'ma make new memories. Happier memories. I'm going to love myself, tolerate myself, let myself feel what i have to feel. I'm going to travel and spend time with my friends and family. Because all these years later, look who is picking up the pieces...Again. My family. My friends. This time, my kids....But I'm a little more aware of what is going on now. A little more aware of what needs to be done. I need to grieve these memories AND create new ones, not just one or the other. And I'ma try my level best, starting next weekend at my First Annual Halloween Hoopla Bash Extravaganza....then on to Thanksgiving with my best friend in NEW YORK....and every single day in between. There'll be more to come. New, better memories. Happier times, more laughter. Maybe a tear or two here and there. My heart aches right now, but it won't always. This is just one day. And even if the ache today turns into a week, it still won't be forever. Look how far I've come in six months.  I imagine how far I'll be six months from now. That is what this blog is about. Self-realization. Hope. Talking it out. There may be someone out there who is going through the same thing. If so, chin up.  If that relationship didn't last forever, then neither will the pain.

Defense

In my defense....the gallbladder that RUINED my birthday trip to New Orleans had to come out! Now...that doesn't sound like much of a defense as to why i haven't updated the blog i said i would update every single day, but....it really was.  The first few days of recovery were hard. The second part, I was lazy and had TOO much time to think. When I have too much time to think, I can't even get the words to type out remotely coherently. So here's what's been on my mind:

1) Divorce Court--No, not the one on TV. But my actual court date. I work for a lawyer. He told me not to show up (as i was in recovery AND because the opposition had not followed the law, therefore, court was moot). HOWEVER....my ex DID show up. And i took great pleasure in this.  I know him. He has a nervous stomach. And i'll bet he got up that morning, SICK, got dressed and drove up to the courthouse DREADING every minute. He's not seen me, hasn't talked to me, since the day he said he wanted a divorce. He doesn't deal with me because this makes it easier to remain in the alternate reality he's created, where he has coincidentally rewritten history in his own mind.  I'll bet he sat in that hallway, looking up and expecting to see my face ANY MINUTE. But i wasn't there. I was at home in the bed at my moms, in my old room, eating homemade soup and watching Golden Girls (shut up). He was sweating bullets.  To even sweeten this deal, I will tell you:  my boss got to stand up and basically say "y'all are idiots. We told you what to do & you didn't do it." and the judge agreed. This made me very happy. Even sweeter: my boss said the STBX's hair was poofy & he didn't have on a tie. WELL OF COURSE NOT! I wasn't there to tell him to wear a tie and to get a haircut. Ergo, he has slipped back into social skill obscurity. Did he learn nothing from me?

2)  The trash: I got rid of it.  Have you ever had a "friend" who was an enemy but you kept them around just like the old saying goes?  Well i did. And i got rid of her. Actually, I got rid of her once, let her back in (shame on me) and my BFF got rid of her the second time.  During aforementioned recovery, this "friend" starts her stupid B.S. all over again and I had HAD it! In steps my BFF, with her supurb writing skills and gives the trash enemy a harsh tongue scolding !!! We promptly blocked the bitch and man have things been quiet ever since.  Not the first time BFF has come to my rescue, probably won't be the last. But i will think long and hard before i EVER let anyone else into my circle.

3)  Travel.  Next week I'm driving my mom, grandmother & her sister to Orlando. We're renting a van & taking my kids.  We're visiting family down there over fall break and we get free tix to Disney.  This is my motivation.  After that, it's only a matter of weeks before my trip to New York. Above-referenced BFF and I are hittin' it up and doin' it right! Last week I texted her excitedly that I had received the long awaited overnight mail complete with tickets, vouchers and armbands. The armbands will enable us to access Applebees on 7th street in NYC during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! We've got a whole package deal complete with tours and a broadway show.  We're both so excited we can hardly stand it! That, my friends, will be the trip of a lifetime!

That's really it. I'm back at work. But still staying with my mom. She refuses to release me until she's positive I can fully and competently care for myself, the kids & the dog. I'm okay with that because she's doing my laundry, cooking AND cleaning.  It's like being on vacation at home. So there's your update (previously mentioned BFF has scolded me for lack of updates).  More to come, sooner, rather than later!